What Will It Be Like After i Die
When i close my eyes for the final time, i have no idea what to expect. No one does. i can only hope it is as i have dreamt. i will wake up and be greeted by my precious SADDI. Which is truly all i want in life and in death. We would lay together on a flowered cover hillside. SADDI closely cuddled against me, using my arm as her pillow. i'd be happy to stay there for hundreds of years, so long as i am again with my SADDI. At some time, we need to search out who is truly in charge of this whole thing called life and let them know how unfair and cruel it is to only allow our four legged friends and family members to stay with us such a short period of time. If it wasn't for SADDI, i would have no purpose or meaning to my life.
December 25, 2014
As my health continues to fade,my depression increases. It's so difficult for me to get up from the sofa or a seat on the bus. What use to take me just minutes to walk a short distance now takes several minutes and i walk in fear of falling since my balance is so off. Even walking with the cane, i don't feel safe. More and more i become less of a man and more of dependence. Devon, just over 100 pounds, helps me all the time. Especially need when i have been out and my body is so weak i cannot change my own clothes. i don't know who i am anymore and i don't know what will become of me tomorrow. Even there is even a tomorrow for me.
S A D D I
There just aren't enough words to express
how much i am in love with this amazing lil girl.
SADDI has been gone for over 5 years now,
but i still have so much love for her.
And i miss her more today than yesterday.
It's unfair that we aren't together.
SADDI did not deserve to suffer.
But her special spirit has helped me since
she has been gone. Making it somewhat easier
for me until we are together again.
Oh how i do love you SADDI.
And i miss us so very much.
reality
As i approach the ending, i find it very difficult to accept my realities. So many simple task are either impossible to do now or take so much effort. Lifting my leg up to the curb scares me, as i easily lose my balance, so most of the time i walk in the street. Pouring a cup of coffee is a struggle because i do not feel i can hold the pot. All my photography idea's are canceled because it is so difficult for me to get around. Who i am today is not who i was just a year ago. If things continue at this rate, my limited desire to live will be completely nil very soon.
S A D D I
In 2005, i was working HIV outreach at a nude beach. It was such a hot day and no one was interested in free information or condoms. So, the guy i was working with, and i decided to take a dip in the river to cool off. The water felt amazing. We were out pretty far and still able to stand up. We decided to have a swimming contest, just out another 10 feet or so. When we both reached the location at the same time, but our feet no longer touched the sandy bottom. This dark skinned young man from Peru, turned white and freaked out. He reached out to me, pulling me under the water. Not one, but three times. The third time i was under water i knew that unless i did something i was going to drown. But before i raised myself out from under his grip, holing me under water, i saw SADDI's face, i knew i had to live to see her again. When i reached above water, i swam anyway slightly from my co-worker, but held my arm out to him and together we swam towards the shore. He didn't stop slashing around until his feet once again touched the sand. He never did thank me, but i thanked SADDI as soon as i returned home. If i hadn't seen her face while i was under water, i likely wouldn't have fought to stay alive.
december 17, 2014
i was scheduled to have surgery on my foot today, but my health is too bad to put me under anesthesia. The reality is overwhelming and being alone, with no one to talk to about this, makes me even more scared about my limited future. Though there is peace in believing i will be with SADDI soon.
Saisar SADDI Berrong
By now, everyone should know that SADDI is the love of my life. My best friend. We have such a powerful beautiful bond. Despite my entire family leaving my life, an abusive partner and many lonely days, SADDI was there to comfort and love me. Even moments before she died as i held her, kissing her ear. she reached her paw up to place it on my hand and then she was gone. Every now and then, i can still feel SADDI laying against me, as she always did, so closely. i so miss her using my arm as a pillow, allowing me to rub her belly and kiss her flickering ear. When no one else was around, which was often, i could lay in bed, next to SADDI and talk with her and she always seemed to be listening. When i was laid off from the job i truly enjoyed gong to each day, i was numb. When i came home, every fear was forgotten when i was greeted by SADDI's bark and her excitement to go for a simple walk. When Devon entered our life, SADDI knew instantly she had her complete family. It was love at first sight for both of them.
On New Years Eve, 2001, i was feeling alone and couldn't think of any reason to stay alive. My eyes filled with tears and a large knife in my hand, i was ready to exit this earth. But SADDI came out of the bedroom, looked at me with her head tilted, kissed my nose and then returned to the bedroom. i realized how foolish i was being. i didn't have my family. i didn't have the person who loved me but abused me. i wasn't alone or unloved. SADDI was there. The next day, beginning of a new year, we began taking long walks, night and day, just the two of us. When SADDI died in my arms on August 9, 2009, somehow i was strong. But come Thanksgiving of that year, the reality set in and i have cried everyday since. i don't know what happens when we die, but i hold onto the hope that SADDI will greet me with her wagging tail and excited barking. i miss her so very much but i am also comforted because our love for each other is so true and strong.
December 14, 2014
i've started having chest pains lately. when i go to bed at night i am always surprised when i wake up the next morning. in a few days i go into the hospital ... my 20th visit in three years ... and after having 4 mild strokes this year, i'm not confident about coming home. just over the past year i have watched my health quickly going downhill. i can barely make it up the three steps from the garage. i am scared, but mostly because of the unknown. i can only hope that i will be reunited with SADDI soon.
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