S A D D I
On nice days SADDI and i would start off our mornings
with a walk to the nearby college. On our way there,
we were going in the opposite direction of people going to work.
Most people going to work always looked grumpy or sad ... when going for a walk,
SADDI always had a smile on her beautiful face.
She must have noticed that people weren't happy,
so as they passed us, SADDI would happily howl
while looking at them. Many people were startled,
so i had to assure them it was SADDI's way of saying good morning.
Once they realized that, saw her smile and her curled up wagging tail,
they found their own smile and greeted SADDI ... she loved that attention.
My Obsession
On here, i have talked a few times about my obsession with death
i remember when i was about 10 years, a friend handed me a magic 8 ball, you ask it a question and it gives you an answer. i remember asking it if i would live past 30 ... the answer was 'definitely not'. Ever since then i have had the obsession.
i have tried to kill myself 5 times, mostly recently during the holidays of 2015 while i was stuck at home, alone. My leg had been amputated and there had been several setbacks and Devon was in China for over a month. And of course, my life is so empty without SADDI.
Since SADDI was taken from in, August 9, 2009, my thoughts have been overwhelming about death. Especially what actually happens when we close our eyes for the final time. i have felt SADDI near me several times since she has been gone. But is it just my hope?
i'm not at all scared to die. Even if my death is a painful one, i'm ready.
Movies and religious have people believing there will be a peaceful powerful light to guide us to the afterlife and we will be reunited with our loved ones. i have my doubts. But no one truly knows the answer. Of course, if there were truly a heaven, i would love to be greeted by SADDI, as she runs into my arms and starts barking at me, as she did whenever i came home. Almost like telling me how much she missed me. But i seriously doubt that is what will happen.
What i believe is true, we close our eyes and that's all. There is nothing more.
All i do know is that i will be cremated and my ashes will be mixed with SADDI's and then mixed with a bag of wild flowers and we will be spread somewhere to leave beauty in life.
And honestly, i could careless about being remembered, but i do want SADDI to be remembered for who she was and what she taught me.
March 30, 2016
in reality
Online, be it Facebook or Instagram, i always try to leave positive encouraging energy ... but in reality ... how i am truly feeling within can be found on this page that likely wont get read until after i am gone ... if at all.
After 8 months of being home bound due to the amputation wound setbacks in healing, there is hope of getting my prosthetic leg in the very near future. But i have had this hope before, having the leg for a couple of days and then the wound opening up again. So i am excited, but scared.
i get around the house scooting around in a chair because i don't feel safe just using my walker. My still good left leg, my knee is weak, so it is difficult for me to stay on it very long.
My days are spent usually alone. There are no true friends. i have sent out postcards, almost monthly, with a positive message. The energy doesn't come back to me, so i just have to embrace that i am sharing. But i have days when i really need something for myself. It may sound selfish, but i can't do this alone. Devon has gone on a few trips, leaving me alone several weeks at a time. He has 'friends' who he stays overnight with all the time. i don't know them and as far as i know he could be cheating on me. He knows how i feel ... but he keeps doing it.
Since we have been together (over 9 years), Devon has never worked. We have put money into his fashion business and fashion shows, with no profit. All the bills, rent and caring for the house are on me. If i ask him to do something (take out the trash), i usually get an attitude or have to remind him again. That is if he is paying attention to me at all. When he is home, he sits at the computer with his earphones on. But when he wants something, all attention needs to come to him.
i hate being within my own thoughts. i am my own worse enemy. When i had my real leg, even when it was in a cast, i was able to get out and escape from my reality. Just walking through nature gave me moments of peace ... i miss that so much. Looking at my past pictures, i wondered if i would ever be able to get out again ... beyond the view of my porch.
Now it might be possible. We'll see. But again, how much time do i have remaining?
March 29, 2016
March 28, 2016
After 8 months of basically being home bound, stuck in a chair or the sofa, my only friend a TV that has turned into an enemy, several falls (one where i hit my face on the kitchen island and broke a tooth) and when my blood sugar became low after working upstairs and i forgot i didn't have a leg and i fell down the stairs, doing damage to the "good" leg ... today my nurse told me my amputation wound, that has opened each time i had previously received my leg, the wound is now about the size of a pin mark. What does this mean, so long as i do not fall again, i should finally be walking by mid-April. My nurse is making sure the wound is COMPLETELY closed before i get the leg again. i can actually thinking about walking again, instead of just dreaming about it. i can finally go out and take pictures, instead of just viewing them online. i can finally go out with my husband ... if he's still interested. And i can finally go back to work and feel like a useful human being again. i know i will never be the same person i was before all of this ... physically or emotionally. But i do know i will be even more appreciative than i was even before all of this. i have a list of outings that i want to do: Katsu Burger, Volunteer Park Conservatory, downtown Seattle, The Crab Pot Seattle, a movie theatre, Teatro ZinZanni Seattle and so many more. But also Devon and i have been wanting to go to Victoria BC. But i can honestly say, i know my first true outing, i will be an emotional mess (as i am just writing about it now). It's been a long lonely ordeal, with many setbacks and watching my hopes go up and down. Right now, it's hard to believe that it truly might be over soon.
L O N E L Y
i've been awake since 2am, my thoughts are so overwhelming that i can't sleep.
i've been dreaming a lot about the life i should have lived. Wishing i had moved from Portland in the 1980's, challenging myself to thrive instead of settling into a the life i did live. The only thing i would want from my past was to ensure SADDI and i were brought together.
In a couple of months i will be 54 years old, my health declines further everyday and i just sit around the house, the TV on 24/7 only for sound so i don't listen to my own thoughts.
Since having my leg amputated 8 months ago and several setbacks, feeling unsafe using my walker, even around the house, i have basically been home bound. My only human contact is a nurse who comes over twice a week to care for my wounds, the mailman, bill collectors, my neighbor now and then and Devon, when he is here. Even when he is here, most of the time i feel alone. He's usually about 6 feet away from me on the computer or playing a game on his phone. He always gets upset if i bother him with a question or he just completes ignores me. Last night i had to call him on his phone when his favorite TV show came on. He was playing his game, looked at the phone and saw it was me calling, ignored me and kept playing. (Of course when he needs something, i give him my full attention)
At that moment, again, i felt completely alone. i send postcards with my photography and positive messages to different people, only a couple acknowledge them. During this period that i have been home bound, Devon has taken several trips and often stays over night with friends ... or so he says. Except for the limited time she is available, only my neighbor has offered any help.
The minutes, hours, days, weeks pass by and i just sink deeper into the thoughts of regret about my past and no desire for seeing the future.
The only thing keeping me from taking my life is my fear that i wont see SADDI again. No one knows what actually happens after we die, it's likely nothing at all. But i don't want to take that chance. Maybe i have seen too many movie that lead me to believe suicides go to a different place. The only place i really don't want to go to is tomorrow.
March 28, 2016
S A D D I
SADDI, from day one that we were together, hated getting wet. i had to get into the shower with her to clean her. When she was less than one, we went to the beach. We were able to drive onto the beach, but were still several yards from the ocean. i open the car door, put SADDI's leash on her and she took off like a bullet. Seriously pulling me behind her. And we were heading for the water. She had never acted like this before. We reached the water and she didn't stop. Before i knew it, we were in the Pacific ocean. In only a few inches of water, but i was shocked, and happy, SADDI took me into the water. We stood there for a few months, SADDI was calm and even smiling. i was still catching my breath from the run. And then a small wave came in. The water splashed onto SADDI's belly ... she didn't like that. And she took off again, running back to the car, the door still open from when she took off before, jumped in and she was done with the beach. She wouldn't get out of the car, she we drove a bit more. Away from the water.
S A D D I
These past several months that i have been alone and housebound, i've had a lot of time struggling with my thoughts ... too often drifting into the negative.
One of the things i have been thinking about is if i lived a dream, because the reality just doesn't seem possible. If it wasn't for pictures and video's, all my memories i would have thought were from a movie or belonged to someone else.
i once had a best friend who loved me, even with all my faults. Someone who was excited to see me, even if i had just stepped out for a second to get the mail. Someone who put up with my moods, understood my tears, made me laugh and taught me to cherish the simple things in life. i once had someone who when she turned and smile at me, my heart would melt every time. Someone who would stare at me while i ate, with her eyes demanding something off my plate, even when she had something special waiting in her bowl. She had to share with me. When i pretended to ignore her by reading the newspaper, she would stand in front of me, adjusting her stand so that her nails clicked on the floor. Or let out a heavy sigh, to let me know she was there. Or put her front paws on the chair, between my legs and use her nose to push the down the newspaper so i would pay attention to her. i once had someone that would take my place in bed, if i had to get up in the middle of the night, ensuring my place was warm for when i returned. Someone who slept so close to me, i could feel her breathing against my belly. i once had someone who i could look into her soft brown eyes and know what she wanted.
As time passes since she has been gone, the million of memories don't fade. Not because of the pictures and video's ... but because of the love we shared for one another.
SADDI, i miss you so much.
Late Hours
the late lonely hours are when my thoughts always slip into the negatives the most. i question my reality or why i continue to exist. this is no life. no life at all. i miss my SADDI so much and all i can think about ua being with her again. i wont be missed and life will go ob long after i am gone. there is no desire within me to be remembered, but i want the beauty and truth of SADDI to forever be cherished by those who believe in true love and faithful friendships. if i can leave anything behind, it is so that she is forever remembered. i don't expect anyone to understand, because they did not and have lived in this life ...
and for many years, i have not lived as well.
S A D D I
SADDI loved springtime
not too hot not too cold.
And she always loved to play in the tall grass
or have me toss a handful of freshly cut grass at her.
In Dreams
The other morning, before i awoke for another day of nothing, i was having a dream of SADDI. Although, this was not one of those dreams i want to cherish. It was a reminder of SADDI's last months as she battled cancer. SADDI was so brave and as stubborn as always. SADDI didn't deserve the suffering and i completely blame myself.
i wasn't working and we were barely getting by. Because of my numerous failures in life, there were no savings or anything worth selling to help pay for SADDI's needs.
Eight months after being diagnosed, SADDI died in my arms.
No matter how much time i have left upon this earth and even after i have left here, i will take the guilt with me. i understand, that everything i am going through today, with my own health, i fully deserve ... and more so. i have no right to complain about my pains or depression or loneliness. i brought it all upon myself by betraying SADDI of being able to protect her from cancer.
Some would say that SADDI forgave me and at the end, there is some peace. Just before the vet gave SADDI the shot to release her from her pain, as i whispered in her ear how sorry i am and how very much i love her, SADDI lifted her paw and placed it on my hand. She was so weak and struggling to breathe, but she found the strength to comfort me.
Even with that, i do not deserve any comfort or peace. i know SADDI loved me so much. She was always loyal to me. i regret the foolishness of seeking friendships or love and leaving SADDI alone But she was always there, waiting for me, with love and joy.
Everyday, i hold SADDI's ashes and talk to her. i don't know if she can hear me, but for myself, i need to tell her, daily, how much i love and miss her. And how very sorry i am. But, at least for me, it will never be enough for me to forgive myself, even the slightest bit.
The SAISAR unlimited foundation, where i offer treats and any supplies i have available to homeless doggies living on the streets with their humans. i don't do it seeking acknowledgement and praise for myself, i always give all the credit to SADDI would taught me to be a better person. Until the day i die, this will be my mission and purpose in life.
When i do die, i want very little said about me, but i want it said i was SADDI's human.
And when that day comes, i can only hope that i will be welcomed to the other side by SADDI. As she barks at me, as she did whenever i returned home after being out without her.
i love you so much SADDI
Months Gone By
It's March 12, 2016, after a mild winter, flowers are blooming, Japanese Cherry tree's are in full glory and even the scent of spring is in the air. And i'm missing it all because i still do not have my new leg after the amputation.
Spring is a time for new beginnings, but i am still stuck, seated in the doorway watching everything passing by. Even when it is cold, i sit there for the fresh air and escaping my reality of having been home bound basically since last July.
Devon leaves and a piece of me dies inside. i see pictures within this area, online, and i sink a little deeper into my depression.
The other night i had a dream where i was taking SADDI for a walk. When i awoke, of course SADDI wasn't here and i almost stood up, thinking i had two legs again, but i came back into reality.
i'm starting to believe i don't even want to get the leg again anyway since the amputation wound keeps opening the times i've had it before. Maybe i should just accept the fact that the rest of my life should be spent in a wheelchair.
The rubbery piece i need to wear before putting on the leg, i wear now to help with the swelling in my stump. But it often causes a rash that becomes really red and itchy. i'm not sure how i can wear it everyday if i did have the leg.
i'm just overwhelmed by my reality, but i do realize have it much worse
3 am
About every couple of weeks, i go through a sleepless night, alone with my dangerous thoughts. i know i shouldn't listen to the voices in my head, which is why i leave the TV on 24/7, yes, even while i am sleeping. But it often doesn't work, as the voices of reality always over power the fantasy of TVland.
Basically being home bound for 7 months, watching seasons come and go, in the loneliness and memories, i have been unable to find a way to shut down my mind. i use to be able to do that when i took walks through nature and getting lost in the beauty of life. Now my view of life is from Facebook, Instagram or from my front door, where i sit talking to and feeding the squirrels.
i know where i went wrong in life, a long time ago. After spending much of my early youth being moved around by my unstable parents. A mother who always said she was the black sheep of the family and a step father and his mental issues. When we finally settled in a house that use to belong to my grandmother, i dug in roots and clung there far longer than i should have. Living a sheltered life with parents of ignorant beliefs and the rest of the family judgmental in their religious beliefs, i barely formed my own self, always living in a fantasy world.
i never pushed myself; in education, work, exercise, life or love. Because friendship slipped away easily, and i never worked hard enough to keep them, i looked to food to comfort me. Which it did, until i swallowed the last bite and then i was depressed again.
i stayed in a job without a future, proper wages or that challenged me, for 11 years. The Monday after i was laid off, when i went downtown to search for a new job, i felt so free and alive for the first time in my life. i actually felt myself walking with confidence. But it was short lived and i fell back into my comfort zone.
i played games with my mind by 'wishing' things would change. Expecting the weight would come off after a couple of days of exercising. But, i always believed things would get better, i always believed in hope. Nearly 54 years after my birth, i am still waiting.
The first time i fell in love, was with a bisexual man. Ours was a secret relationship, but when i was with him, i felt safe. He got scared the older he became (He was 2 years younger than me. He made the first move, at age 9, by kissing me. He would throw tiny rocks at my upstairs window at night, when he wanted to get together. He'd climb on the roof and entered through the small back window. We'd make love, he was very selfish, and then he was gone. But we had many moments together over 11 years as lovers.) i was very jealous when he paid attention to anyone else who i knew was gay. i was very immature. Even after he got married, he came over to my house a couple of times. But then he got heavily into drugs and my heart broke watching him to this to himself. The last time i saw him, he had come over. i was leading him upstairs and he freaked out by the creaking of the stairs. i tried to calm him, i held him and we kissed. But he was so paranoid under the influence of the drugs, he left. To this day, i wonder what would have happened had we stayed together, moved far away. Another of the fantasies i had.
The first time i went to a gay bar, Silverado, i remember standing outside, pacing back and forth. i didn't have any friends to go in with me and i was still in the closet, worried someone would see me. i don't remember how long i did this, as i look back, it seems like hours until i took a deep breath and walked it. It was dark, crowded and loud. i go a beer from the bar and then found a seat in the corner by the stage. And then the dancers started. Beautiful young bodies wearing only thin tight underwear. i watched as older men got up and put money inside the underwear of the dancers. i couldn't move. As time passed, the bar became even more crowded. i watched the dancers, but also kept my eye out for how i could get through the crowd to leave. Finally i just made my way through the crowd, my body rubbing against the bodies of beautiful men. i went home, alone, and cried. Over time, i went back to that same bar several times, each time sitting in my little corner, trying not to make eye contact with anyone and certainly not talking to anyone.
What a wasted life.
R E G R E T S
Within my nearly 54 years on this earth, i have so many regrets. What i did ... What i should have done. Not being true to myself much earlier. Staying in an abusive relationship. The list is endless. By far, my greatest regrets are the times i spanked SADDI. Like when she got too excited when i shared food with her. Maybe the times weren't many, but even one time was too many. SADDI was always such a good girl, she didn't deserve my lack of patients, immaturity or my many failures.
i love SADDI more than anything or anyone. i can only hope that she always felt that and if it is possible, she knows it now.
And while i live for the day that i die, to be reunited with SADDI, these moments come to me often. i truly hate myself so much. i try to remind myself of the love we shared, but too often i was selfish and left her home while i waste my time and life elsewhere. Everything i needed, wanted was always at home waiting for me.
Yes, to this day, i still talk to SADDI, because it gives me comfort to think she can hear me. Everyday, i tell her how much i love her. How very much i miss her. How i truly need us. And i beg for forgiveness, though i do not deserve it.
i always think that the health issues i am now living with, is what i deserve. So i accept the pains and loneliness.
S A D D I
i was starting another failed attempt at an exercise program, i laid on the living room floor to begin some sit-ups when SADDI came out of the bedroom, stood on my chest looking down at me. She didn't say anything, just stared down at me. So i stopped what i was doing and started playing with her. She was happy.
S A D D I
i cherish this photo so much
because it shows the love SADDI
gave me all the time.
That's my arm that SADDI is using
as a pill-low as she holds onto me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
