Thank you SADDI
Last night i had a rare 6 hours of uninterrupted deep sleep. Before wrapping myself under the blankets, as i said good night to SADDI (which i do every night), i asked her to visit me in my dreams. And she did.
i was going into the hospital, an ambulance and several people were here, Devon was gone as he often is. Before i left, i asked the people to take SADDI for a walk, no one would. So i got off the stretcher and into my wheelchair, IV still attached to my arm, and took SADDI for a walk. What was so real within the dream was seeing SADDI's beautiful smile.
Even though i was in my wheelchair and SADDI was basically pulling me, she wanted to play. SADDI always liked to run in circles around me, and in this dream she did just that. The dream was so vivid and real, the fall colors and scents, the cold air, but most importantly, seeing my precious SADDI again. Her thick black fur, curled tail, her silly behavior and that amazing smile of hers.
Thank you SADDI. i truly needed that dream because reality is too painful without you.
Overwhelming Emotions
i really don't know how to express what i am feeling, a strong overwhelming emotion inside of me, but i truly believe this christmas will be my last. i'm sorry that i can't explain to you why i am feeling this way, i honestly don't fully understand it myself.
So i went out into the garage and brought in all the containers with christmas decorations and started putting them out, 6 days before halloween.
Many of my decorations have special meaning and memories for me. i have tree ornaments that my grandmother gave to me. She died 48 years ago when i was just 6 years old. And of course, i have SADDI's stocking. After my family disowned me in 1998, it was just SADDI and i for a long time. i would decorate our small apartment just for SADDI. All the presents under the tree were for SADDI. She was always very curious, but when i wasn't home, she never opened any of them. Even though i know she was able to smell the treats i has wrapped.
This year, i really hope to be able to fully enjoy the season as much as i am possibly able to do from my wheelchair. i've always enjoyed this season, not for the religious meaning, but the idea of giving and sharing. The lights, the scents, the classic music and the egg nog. The past couple of years i haven't decorated the house and never had a feeling to do so. This year, i have had the feeling to start decorating for a few weeks.
The life span of a diabetic with an amputation is conflicting. Some statistics say that 50% of diabetic amputee's die within 5 years. My own amputation came mainly as a result of a serious deadly infection, mrsa. i've had this infection 5 times. The last time was when i lost my leg in July 2015. Once you have mrsa, it's in your system and each time it seems to be worse. So when i had another infection, caused by my temporary prosthetic rubbing against my stump, i was scared it would go into mrsa. Thankfully it didn't. And when Devon's mom locked me out of the house recently and i had to climb through the back door, falling off the sofa and hitting my stump hard on the wood floor, it created an infection. But after a weeks worth of extremely intense antibiotics, it saved from a hospital stay. i guess what time is left in my life, i will always have a concern of getting another infection and what it will possibly do to me. One positive thing about mrsa, it ensures that i have a private room in the hospital.
i have suffered from depression for over 30 years ... sometimes better than other times. Not having anyone in my life who understands what i am going through and often feeling belittled for what i am feeling has been a struggle. i never cry or get upset about my families betrayal, but a day never passes that i don't cry from missing SADDI so much.
Thanks to SADDI, i was taught to appreciate the simple things from everyday life. And i truly do my best to follow that gift that SADDI gave me. i also try to encourage that others stop for at least a moment in their busy day to enjoy the simple blessings within their own lives.
So in this winter season of my life, whether it ends tomorrow or many tomorrows from now each moment will be a celebration. Each sip of coffee i take will be savored. Each raindrop that falls will be soaked in. i will try to listen to every leaf falling from tall trees. i will limit my sleep so i can be awake to think, write and enjoy what life is willing to share with me.
i hate getting old
i realize it is a great honor to get old. Too many do not have that privilege. But even in realizing that, i hate growing old.
When you're young, you don't realize what you are putting in your body or what you are doing to your body. And when you get older, your body remembers it all and turns on you. i use to live on Wendy's and McDonald's, but in my 54th year, i'm lucky to make it to the bathroom in time after eating red meat.
i'm a very OCD anal person. In my home, i like things to be a certain way. Messes and dirt are my enemy. i seriously cringe every time i go into the bathroom and see the counter top filled with medicines that i now have to take daily. If i put them away, i'll forget to take them.
And i go into the bathroom often. i celebrate anytime i can get a full 4 hours of sleep without having needing to go to the bathroom. And because of the amputation, i have to get onto the wheelchair and then transfer to another chair, that fits into the bathroom. And after all that, i'm wide awake at 2am.
When i look in the mirror at that hour, i have no idea who that is looking back at me. Where once there was thick curly brown hair, now i see bits of hair on my bare scalp. Bags under my eyes, you'd think i was going on vacation.
When i was younger, i was one of those people who would still be wearing shorts and thin shirts in the winter. As i have gotten older, if it gets below 70*, i'm looking to unpack the sweaters and extra blankets in June.
i no longer watch music award shows, because i don't know who any of these people are. i still remember when we had actual singers and not auto toned voices.
When i was younger and went to the grocery store, they would have, maybe, a half an aisle of Halloween candy with costumes and one kind of plastic orange pumpkin treat or treat buckets. We'd go to the thrift store and use our imagination to make costumes.
As i get older, i understand the jokes now about your body making strange noises when you get older. Sometimes i'm thinking it's coming from outside, then i realize it's from me.
Death. When i was younger, it was always something for someone else, someone older. Now i read the obits daily and if i don't see my name, i go ahead and get dressed.
The older i get the more i seem to reflect. Realizing how i took so much for granted Simple things that i would truly like to experience again. The taste of my great grandmothers apple pie. The embrace of my grandmother. Being barked at by SADDI when i came home from work. Stopping off at Coffee People, in northwest Portland, for an egg nog latte, early Saturday morning before going hiking and searching for eagles at Sauvies Island. My first adult alone vacation to Seattle (wishing i had the courage to have moved here when i was young enough and healthy enough to enjoy it). So many other thoughts, regrets, memories.
i don't know how many more days, weeks, months or years i have remaining upon this earth, but how ever much time i have, i want to ensure that each day, each moment, is cherished. Celebrated. Given meaning for myself and for others. If i could go back and talk to my younger self, i would be able to save myself a lot of misery. But since i am unable to do so, i hope i can spread the word to others so they can fulfill their life with living.
S A D D I
SADDI taught me so much and gave me so much love ... even when i didn't deserve it. i still, 7.5 years later, go to bed at night with my arm extended, so SADDI could use it as a pill-low. When i wake up in the morning, i remember having to wrap the blanket on SADDI, she was never a morning puppy. Even after i took my shower and made coffee, i would stand at the foot of the bed with her leash, begging her to get up so we could take our walk before i had to go to work. She'd slowly get up, stretch, and we'd head out to the park. Once she got inside the tennis court, i'd take off her leash and we'd play. If the tennis ball went onto the other side of the net, i would have to go get it, she never went beyond the one side of the court. And of course, when she was done playing, she would leave the tennis ball for me to pick up and carry home. She has me well trained.
a SADDI memory
a few months after SADDI was taken from me
This morning I awoke and found a scratch on my face, without a clue as to where it came from. But Devon and I accepted it was a sign from SADDI.
Often SADDI and I would play, or I would blow too much into her face, and she would lift her paw to gently hit me, but her nails were so long I would get a scratch now and then on my arm or even my face. Whenever SADDI would hit my face, I would do a pretend "ouch" and she would quickly lick me.
SADDI is just sending me a message to remind me that though in the physical life she is not here, she is still around me. I have felt SADDI often around me as I struggle with this deepening depression. Though I cry often, I can feel a peace that I know SADDI is sending to me. Even if it is a scratch on my face, I will take any sign that she is still near me.
I miss SADDI so very much.
Devon Yan Berrong
Devon was on KOMO news talking about his clothing collection
DEVONATION and being the winner of this years
2016 Bellevue Collection Independent Designer Runway Fashion Show
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
