i hate getting old

i realize it is a great honor to get old.  Too many do not have that privilege.  But even in realizing that, i hate growing old.

When you're young, you don't realize what you are putting in your body or what you are doing to your body.  And when you get older, your body remembers it all and turns on you.   i use to live on Wendy's and McDonald's, but in my 54th year, i'm lucky to make it to the bathroom in time after eating red meat.

i'm a very OCD anal person.  In my home, i like things to be a certain way.  Messes and dirt are my enemy.  i seriously cringe every time i go into the bathroom and see the counter top filled with medicines that i now have to take daily.  If i put them away, i'll forget to take them.

And i go into the bathroom often.  i celebrate anytime i can get a full 4 hours of sleep without having needing to go to the bathroom. And because of the amputation, i have to get onto the wheelchair and then transfer to another chair, that fits into the bathroom.  And after all that, i'm wide awake at 2am.

When i look in the mirror at that hour, i have no idea who that is looking back at me.  Where once there was thick curly brown hair, now i see bits of hair on my bare scalp.  Bags under my eyes, you'd think i was going on vacation.  

When i was younger, i was one of those people who would still be wearing shorts and thin shirts in the winter.  As i have gotten older, if it gets below 70*, i'm looking to unpack the sweaters and extra blankets in June.

i no longer watch music award shows, because i don't know who any of these people are.  i still remember when we had actual singers and not auto toned voices.

When i was younger and went to the grocery store, they would have, maybe, a half an aisle of Halloween candy with costumes and one kind of plastic orange pumpkin treat or treat buckets.  We'd go to the thrift store and use our imagination to make costumes.

As i get older, i understand the jokes now about your body making strange noises when you get older.  Sometimes i'm thinking it's coming from outside, then i realize it's from me.

Death.  When i was younger, it was always something for someone else, someone older.  Now i read the obits daily and if i don't see my name, i go ahead and get dressed.

The older i get the more i seem to reflect.  Realizing how i took so much for granted  Simple things that i would truly like to experience again.  The taste of my great grandmothers apple pie.  The embrace of my grandmother.  Being barked at by SADDI when i came home from work.  Stopping off at Coffee People, in northwest Portland, for an egg nog latte, early Saturday morning before going hiking and searching for eagles at Sauvies Island.  My first adult alone vacation to Seattle (wishing i had the courage to have moved here when i was young enough and healthy enough to enjoy it).  So many other thoughts, regrets, memories.

i don't know how many more days, weeks, months or years i have remaining upon this earth, but how ever much time i have, i want to ensure that each day, each moment, is cherished.  Celebrated.  Given meaning for myself and for others.  If i could go back and talk to my younger self, i would be able to save myself a lot of misery.  But since i am unable to do so, i hope i can spread the word to others so they can fulfill their life with living.