'if'

Tomorrow my nurse will visit again, but the question is, will she allow for me to have my prosthetic leg back or not.  Since the amputation in late July, my life has basically been on the sofa and a 8 foot area within the house.

i've had a few outings; doctors appointments, grocery shopping with Devon and that brief time i had my leg and i went to Devon's fashion show.  Otherwise, i have missed the summer, fall and going into the winter of 2015.

i have watched my depression going out of control.  Bombarded with tears daily.  Watching through social media, Devon's adventures and found sitting at the front door, life passing by.

The realization of how truly alone i am in this life is overwhelming.  My trust issues were severely shattered by my families betrayal, an abusive relationship and believing i had friends i could count upon.  i know i have also betrayed myself by years of foolishly ignoring my health, physically and emotionally.

i use to view life as 'when' ... but over these past several months, as hope has faded, i can only say 'if'.

So 'if' i am allowed to have my leg back tomorrow, i owe nothing to anyone except myself.  After decades of giving and sharing to others, i have forgotten the meaning of giving to myself.  Something i need to learn to do.  But in reality, i know my health will not allow me the time needed to find the courage, confidence and peace i will need to advance into my next journey.  That is a harsh reality to accept.

Long ago, i fully accepted that i have no desire to be remembered.  My greatest strength is boosting and praising others, while seeking no attention for myself.  i'm content watching Devon (DEVONATION) thrive with his talents, while i do whatever i can, behind the scenes, to ensure he is noticed and appreciated.  My greatest accomplishment in my life on this planet will be ensuring that SADDI is remembered and that her name is a source of happiness for others as she is to me.  

The SAISAR unlimited foundation, which provides treats, food, blankets and needed supplies to doggies living on the street with their humans is all done in SADDI's name.   Sending out postcards with positive messages is done to inspire, as i have been inspired by SADDI.   i have never asked for donations, because this is my duty in life, to honor SADDI.  i've always wanted to do more, but a very tight budget and health issues have limited me.

Honesty, i have no idea how much time i have remaining on this earth, i know it wont be very long, so 'if' i am allowed to have my leg back, there is so much to do.  And possibly my message of giving and sharing, and doing so without needing to be acknowledged, will be heard and inspire others.