i have some thoughts i have been wanting to express and i figured i better get them written down before there isn't time remaining.
At 54, i never realized my life would be as it has been ... as it is today. Since being home bound for over a year, much of that time alone, i have had a lot of time for thoughts to slip into my mind. To avoid many of my thoughts, i would leave the TV on, even if i wasn't watching it. Even while i was sleeping, i would leave the TV on so my dreams didn't get affected by my reality. But alas, there are just some things i cannot ignore or allow to go without expressing.
i never knew either of my grandfathers, they both had died before i was born. My father's dad, i know nothing about ... pretty much like my dad. My mom's father, Ike, was a butcher at Piggly Wiggly, he went into work one Sunday morning and never returned. No one will ever know what truly happened, but it is thought that he slipped on some blood from the meat he was cutting and was decapitated by the saw. He left behind a wife, two teenage daughters and a infant son.
His mother, my great grandma Edna, had several kids and lived to be 103 and 45 minutes. She lived alone until her late 90's and made the most amazing apple pies, which she never gave the recipe to anyone. We lived close to her. i really regret not visiting her more. In her later years, when she was moved into a retirement home, she became confused. When we did visit her, she always called me Ike, thinking i was her late son. In the very few pictures i saw of him, i did resemble him.
My dad's mother i didn't know until my teen years when my father decided to re-enter my life. She was a school teacher and tutored me a few times in my early teen years. We were never close. Because my dad was such a failure as a father, she raised all his kids. Years later i found out she had died by reading her obituary in the newspaper.
My mom's mother, grandma Alpha was taken from me when i was 6 from the evils of cancer. My memories of her are faded, but the love i felt for her lives strongly within me. i was her only grandson and she spoiled me. i have a memory of her when she was in the hospital and she rubbed an anti-itch cream on my nose, saying would never itch again. Though i never got to know her, i miss her. i remember that November night, playing with my matchbox cars on the floor when the phone rang. My mom answered and quickly began crying. i wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, instead i was left with my cousins Corrina and Mindy, we played in the camper at my aunt Betty and uncle Bill's house, it was a bitterly cold wet day.
My dad, Noel, left my life as quickly as he entered it. i was the product of causal sex and my mom and dad only married because she was pregnant with me. They divorced when i was around one. My first real memory of him i was around 6 or 7, i was walking to school and this car pulled up along side of me and he said he was my dad. Years later, i was an early teen, he had stopped drinking and started dating my mom again. We went fishing once and he got my mom a dog, Frauline. But again, as quickly as he came into my life again, he was gone. i also learned of his passing by reading his obituary in the newspaper, i wasn't even listed as one of his children.
My mom, Jan, i truly regret being as close to her as i was and for so long. There was always this guilt trip with her ... she was alone, she was the black sheep of the family ... but she never tried and was not a role model for me to look up to. But i didn't see that until many years later. After she and my dad divorced, she didn't waste anytime remarrying a man named Wayne. He had 4 kids, who always spent the summer with us. That was the only time we did anything was when his kids came for a visit. When we moved into my grandmothers house in 1971, Wayne's son, Chuck, also came to live with us. Chuck was an ass. Always beating me up, sexually abused me and i remember i had some friends staying the night for my birthday, Chuck left with them all and told me to stay home. In 1972, my mom and Wayne decided to break up. She had left for work, while Wayne and Chuck loaded his car and trailer with as much stuff as they could. By the time she returned home, they were gone and we had to rebuild our life again. In the early 1970's,women weren't allowed lines of credit or have their own name on a car leash without their husbands signature. Since Wayne's name was on the car and he didn't make payments, the car was repossessed.
In the months that followed, my mom made one request of Wayne, that he return the pictures and negatives and home movies he took that we mostly of my grandma. After numerous request through lawyers, we received an envelope in the mail. When we opened it and pour it onto the table, Wayne as cut up all the pictures, negatives and movies. They were lost forever. i vowed at that moment, even though i was only 11 or 12, i would hate him forever.
Without going into boring details, i lived my life being the adult, while my mom was the child. She didn't know how to cook, so i taught myself. i took care of the house, in later years painting it, inside and out, caring for the yard and doing what i could with little money i had, which allowed us to sell it in 1996 for more than we would have gotten for it if i hadn't taken care of it. As we signed the paperwork to sell the house, i wasn't going to receive any money from the sell, my mom was going to get it all. i didn't want to sell it in the first place, but did so because she didn't want it, it was always her dream to live in a manufactured home. After some talk and her getting upset, which she did a lot in life, i was given $9,000 to begin my life again.
When she moved into to her manufactured home and i loved into a very small unit in the lower part of a house (mother-in-law apartment), my mom complained all the time how lonely she was. Even though the manufactured park had many other tenants and a community center that always had postings of events happening. i was trying to begin a new life, my first real relationship, but still felt i had to comfort her.
In the first few days of 2000, i called her to tell her about my new job. But a man answered. For two days this kept happening until finally i reached her. i asked if she had a repairman in the house, she answered, "no, it's Wayne". Like i am suppose to know who that was. And it turned out to be the man who betrayed us years earlier, she was getting back together with him. i told her i had items stored in her home i wanted returned and then i never wanted to speak to her again. She called me for a few days, but i never answered. Finally one day she showed up at my apartment, with a small box of personal paperwork of mine and on top of that, a wooden car i had made as a child, with Wayne. All the other stuff i had stored at her house she gave away to Goodwill. She moved to Yakima Washington with Wayne, sending me birthday and Christmas cards. One year she sent me a picture of her and Wayne, i cut it up and returned it to her with a note that she was never to contact me again. She tired to reach me again, but i refused to accept it or acknowledge it. She no longer knows where i live. i don't know if she is alive or dead ... and i don't care.
My cousins, especially Mindy, and i were very close. The year after her dad, uncle Bill, died she got married and asked me to fill in as father of the bride. (i looked good in a tux) Her mom, aunt Betty, a very opinionated lady who talked and barely took time to breathe or let anyone else speak, decided on my birthday in 1998, that the invitation my then partner sent out was "inappropriate", so my aunt didn't come to my birthday. Mindy and her husband Jeff did, but when i thanked them for coming and not feeling it was inappropriate, Mindy got upset, yelled at me and left the party. A few days later, i sent Mindy and aunt Betty a short letter trying to express my hurt, but we haven't talked ever since. i was never really close to Corrina, she was always very moody. But when i had told all of them that i was gay, a year or so earlier, they all were fine with it and each of them even sad they kind of knew and were just waiting for me to accept it. It was fine for me to be gay, just not happy i guess.
My partner of 4 years, Jaye Sablan, was someone i met through a classified ad. We talked on the one a couple of times, i went to his work and he came over for dinner that night and moved in with me. At the time he was living with someone who was using him to make his old boyfriend jealous. At first things between Jaye and i were good. i had finally found peace with who i am and love to go with it. But then Jaye's mental illness started to show itself. He suffered from OCD, sometimes so bad he couldn't leave the house. Jaye was also very physically and emotionally abusive towards me. i slapped him 3 times in our relationship, once he had passed out, when he went on a rant about his drunken mom who he had just talk to on the phone and when he went on a rant of lies about me. But Jaye cracked one of my ribs, broke my nose and beat me with my camera tripod (cutting my arms and head). Jaye cheated on me several times, but i always felt my love for him was strong enough to make our relationship work. Even though we broke up a year and a half after we began our relationship, he still lived with me, we were still sexual and i paid all the bills. He always said he just needed time and then we'd get back together. i foolishly believed it. Easter weekend, 2001, he was heading out of town with someone he was dating, but he came over to my apartment instead. He said that the guy broke up with him because he couldn't handle that Jaye was still in love with me. That night he fell asleep in my arms and we had an amazing Saturday together. But on Sunday he said he was going to see if that guy would take him back. i lost it. My heart couldn't take it anymore. i just wanted to die. i held a knife to my wrist and he ran out of the house. i sat outside, holding onto SADDI, crying and he had called the police. i was taken to the hospital for observation, where i lied and said i was fine. They released me and brought me home. Jaye was across the street waiting for the bus. i walked over to him and apologized, kissed him and said we can make it together. A few days later he was living with me again. On Halloween of that year, i found out he was seeing someone again after he left his e-mail open. i knew i couldn't do it to myself again. i walked into the bedroom where he was doing his homework for school and told him he had to leave and never come back. He gathered somethings and left. He came back a few days later and said he wanted to come back, even though i thought i loved him, i told him no. The day before Thanksgiving, he came over while i was at work and got the rest of his things. The few times i saw him in the city, he tried to avoid me. He started telling lies about me, saying i had beat him. i lost friendships because of it. Jaye was very good at playing the victim. Years later, after Devon and i moved to Seattle, i saw Jaye and learned he had moved to Seattle also. And he started telling his lies here as well. And the friends he had made, who then knew me, started spreading the lies.
In 2005, i started an online conversation with Devon when he lived in China. i first saw his picture on a dating site. i sent him a message saying he was very beautiful. He ignored it. A month or so later, i saw another picture of him and sent him the same message. He remembered me and decided to look at my profile where i mostly talked about SADDI and my desire for life. We talked via e-mail, letters and expensive phone calls before deciding we were both seeking the same thing. Despite our distance we decided to try a relationship. Never did i guess he would be able to come to America, but on his third try, he got a visa and on December 28, 2006, around 7:30am, he arrived at the Portland airport and we began our life together. It hasn't always been love and happiness, i still think he could do better than me.
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