... confusion ...

i don't have the answers, it is likely i even have more questions than most. i am just as lost, just as confused and so very lonely in my efforts to find what it is that will give me peace. possibly, there will never be that peace i seek, because when i seem close there always is another question needing to be answered. people believe they understand my journey, which is impossible since i struggle with it on my own. i cannot even begin to understand their own path, because it is not something we truly are sharing. each of us takes our own steps, goes our own direction and some of even fall. i will never understand those who so easily walk away when they are needed the most. those who can express love while abusing that trust. i will never understand the cruelty that some seem so easily able to give. i came across a picture of a time that i remembered smiling, but i see it today and i feel the darkness of what truly was. i remember dreaming and feeling the confidence to make a difference. but now i don't remember what that feeling felt like. all i feel today is a deep emptiness within my heart that could never be repaired, replaced or filled again. you don't understand, do you? i don't expect that you could or even should, because i can't. with envy i watch others, some deserving some not, enjoying the celebrations within their live and heart. comforted and supported and encouraged. i can only see this from a distance. i truly do not seek or desire anyone's attempts at comforting thoughts or actions. it wont change anything that was or will never be. i only hope others will see past the fog of my confusion and accept that every journey is different. each path has its own beginning, middle and of course, its own end.