Maybe i am fucking crazy

Cuddling with SADDI gave me comfort and peace. Just being near her i knew i was loved and safe. In these 17 months since SADDI was taken from me, i have struggled to sleep, find peace or even want to remain on this earth without her.

Now, in a small wooden box, sitting above the fireplace, surrounded by pictures and memories, wrapped in her favorite scarf, are SADDI's ashes. i kiss and speak to this box daily, unsure if SADDI still hears me, but it gives me comfort to have some way to talk with her. i miss my SADDI, my best friend, the love of my life, so very much. i need her.

Often i will lay with this wooden box on my chest and i am able to have the deepest sleep. Just like when SADDI was here, she would sleep tightly against me, where i wasn't able to move, and it was the most comfortable and fulfilling sleep. Last night, i laid the wooden box on the pillow next to my head, kissing it three times and saying aloud "good night SADDI". Within moments, i was asleep. Hours later, as i slowly began to awake, my head against the wooden box, it felt as if SADDI's body was against my back. i tried to go back to sleep, not wanting to awake to the reality that it was only the blanket rolled up against me. There are moments when i feel SADDI near me and i try to cling to them so they wont go away.

So maybe i am crazy. i don't care what anyone thinks anymore, because those i did care about have taken it upon themselves to betray the meaning of friendship we shared. SADDI was, is and forever will be my best friend and the love of my life. To survive without her, i need to do whatever possible to feel her close to me still. And if humans cannot understand and respect my devotion to SADDI, they are missing out on the beauty of the love story SADDI and i share.