It's likely 35* outside, with chest pains and soreness in my left shoulder,i'm awake a lil sweaty and weak. It is likely i wont wake up some morning and i am totally fine with that. i do enjoy life, but not the life i am living. And i know i am not a good person or why else am i so alone. My family has been out of my life since my birthday in 1998 ... their choice because of their chosen religious beliefs. i was told i was shoving my being gay down their throats. Yet the evil person i was seeing at the time and i never even sat next to each when the family was around. And what about the Christmas card i received from my cousin, Corria, telling me i was going to hell unless i changed and accepted Jesus in my life.
My mom has been out of my life since January 3, 2000 when i learned she was getting back together with her ex-husband (1972). A man who was abusive towards me and his son who sexually abused me. When she told him to move out in spring of 1972, he and his son loaded as much as they could before they left. i was so scared, i took my precious Scruffy to the neighbors, out of fear he would take her too. Even pictures and movies from my childhood with my dear grandma Alpha who died in 1968.
Jaye Salban was my partner from 1997 to 2001. He was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, one time beating me with my camera tripod. When i finally found the strength to hit him out on October 31, 2001, he began going around telling lies about me. i lost friends because he plays the victim so well. i have so much more to say about him, but i will leave at him just being an evil person.
i lost my SADDI, after 13.5 yeas, on August 9, 2009, my life has never been the same. Since that day, i have wanted to die. SADDI died of cancer because i was unable to do anything for her. A guilt i will never allow myself to forget, in life or death. SADDI did not deserve to suffer, yet she still loved me. SADDI, i am so sorry.
Devon arrived on December 28, 2006 and we were legally married on June 29, 2014. Devon deserves so much more. Because of my health, i have been a failed husband, sexually, emotionally. He gave up so much to come be with me and he hasn't received very much in return. Recently he has become a lot like his mother, in putting me down, which i accepted because i deserve it. So what if it hurts. Even many of his so-called friends, like Choi Yee, have been disrespectful to me, but Devon always defends them.
We heard from more distant friends on our wedding more then those who live close. i don't want them near, but Devon holds onto to them. i cried when Devon and i got married. Mainly because it meant so much to me, but also because only one person attended our wedding.
In 2014, i had a series of mini strokes and ever since my health has gotten worse. It's difficult for me to be the person i am no longer. i use to easily walk up stairs, these days i can barely lift my legs up one step. Just a year ago i was able to walk around, taking pictures. i'd be gone for hours, enjoying being part of nature. Now i can't walk without my knee's going weak, my balance shaky and completely unable to stand still long enough to take a picture that stays in focus. i am but a memory of who i was. Something i do not want to be.
If this is to be my final entry, so be it Just know i do love life, just not the life this has become.
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