remembering SADDI

i'm not cold, just hiding my tears.   i miss my SADDI so much, no one truly understands or respects this.   5.5 years later and i still wait for her to jump on the sofa to sit next to me and lean against me.   i feel so alone in my life, no true friends and those i thought were, easily betrayed me.  Though i am married to Devon, there's a broken trust that happen in the beginning of our relationship and continues with his "secret" friends today.   i'm not welcomed when he meets up with his friends.  Just last year while he was doing a photo shoot, i stayed with all our belongings when he received a text message from someone looking forward to seeing him again and giving him a massage.  When i confronted Devon about this, he actually got mad at me and tried to make me feel bad about it.  He says it was just someone he meant when he went out with friends, but i wondered why he gave this stranger his number and why they were offering a 'special massage'.  Devon claims to have deleted the number, but he still goes to the same place to hang out with friends where i am sure he still see's this person.  i know i am not the man Devon hoped to be with, but i am the one who supports him and encourages him with truth.  Something i haven't from "friends" or especially from his parents.  And so i cry, alone, knowing my life is almost over because of my health, hopeful i will be reunited with my SADDI, but worried that there is nothing after we die.