Take Me Away

It's been awhile since i've posted anything here, for reasons that i am just lazy.  i went into the hospital recently to have the bones in my foot shaved, as they keep growing even after the amputation.  All went well and i was out of the hospital within a couple of days.  However, a week later an infection entered into my foot, causing me to have a high fever and uncontrollable chills.  i was put into the hospital for a week as i battled the infection.  Alone.  No one came to visit me and a only received a couple of messages online.  Thankfully i have my memories of SADDI to keep me company and comfort me in the long lonely sleepless hours.  This is like the forth such infection in my foot since having my toes amputated nearly three years ago.  With every infection i have, the harder it is to fight it. This time, after leaving the hospital, i had to have antibiotics that cost $1,200 for a 7 day supply (thankfully the hospital was able to find a grant to pay for the pills).  The pills had a major effect on my body.  Making it impossible for me trust my bowels.

These past three years alone have put me in such deep debt, even if i won the lottery i may not get fully out of debt.  The stress of the pile of bills is overwhelming and then being unable to work, because of my health, doesn't help.

Today, April 7, 2015, was a reality check.  With my heart fading, currently only working at 10%, i was weak and so tired.  My energy is a struggle everyday.  i slept much of the day.  A simple walk to the bus takes everything out of me.  i keep pushing myself because i haven't fully accepted my health limits.  While sitting on the sofa, i feel "normal", but once i get up and begin to move around the reality settles in.

My marriage to Devon is a joke.  He has so many secrets i have just given up trying to understand.  It's my fault as i am not able to be the kind of husband he deserves or i want to be.  My death wont have much meaning on anyone.

Do i think about death?  All the time.  i just hope where ever it is that i go after i die, SADDI will be there waiting for me.