L O N E L Y

As my heart slowly, but painfully, brings my life to an end, i take a lot of time for reflection.  Past, present and the very near future (i know my time is limited, so i cannot look too far into the future).

With so many thoughts rushing through me, one theme always remains strong ... friendship.  i've always put too much hope and meaning on friendship, and have always been hurt when someone proves they are not a true friend or cannot be the kind of friend i had hoped they would be.

i always dreamed of having friends i could hang out with, dinner - coffee - ice cream - walking, while sharing silly laughter and long talks.  It remained a dream.

i remember a time in high school where i was invited to go out with a couple of people i thought were friends.  As i stood on my front porch waiting for them to pick me up, they drove by my house waving and kept driving.  i was devastated, but i didn't learn and when they called another time i agreed to go with them, hiding my pain.

Today, i am married.  We have a good relationship but differing views of what 'friendship' should be.  Devon is okay with the idea of people using each other for their needs, but behind their backs they aren't loyal.  He goes out with his 'friends' often, but i am never invited.  He calls it his "secret friends".  That term doesn't do a lot for my confidence in our relationship.  And some of his choices for "friends" concerns me.  i've expressed my thoughts, but my views are laughable, mainly because i am from a different era.

In my life, i have been honored with one true friend.   SADDI.   SADDI was always there for me.  When i was laid off from my job, i took SADDI for a walk and after a brief time, i realized everything was going to be okay.  Never have i had a human make me feel that way.  i miss SADDI so very much.

i'll be gone soon, hopefully with SADDI again, and i wonder how many people will claim to have been my friend.  Either denying the reality or making up a reality to make themselves feel better about with reality that they weren't a true friend.