CHF

In August 2013 i went into the hospital because i couldn't walk ten feet without being out of breathe.  Originally i was told i had a near fatal blood clot on my lung, but after observations and several test they told me i had congestive heart failure.  My heart was working at only 25%.   Because of the condition of my heart, the doctor told me that i likely wouldn't see my 52nd birthday.

As i approach my 53rd birthday, my heart working now at only 10%, i battle my depression and my hope to be reunited with SADDI again.

i have dealt with this depression since i was in high school.  After my families betrayal, the physical and emotional abuse from a 4 year relationship with Jaye Sablan and the death of SADDI on August 9, 2009, depression has been a daily struggle.  To continue, with little hope or just give up.  i often wake up every morning pissed that i am still here.   But i get up and accept what the day brings.

On Sunday, June 29, 2014, i married Devon at Seattle Pride.   i have not been the husband he deserves.  We have struggled.  i have spent too much time in the hospital. And because he always stands up for 'friends' who treat me like crap, it has had me questioning how devoted he is to us.  Too often i feel so alone in this relationship. Some days he is very loving and silly, but most of the time he is moody and pointing out my faults, real or not.

As i look back upon my life, i do so with so much regret.  What i should have done, but out of fear or laziness, i didn't.   Always believing there would be a chance to do it tomorrow and then another tomorrow and another until today where i am out of tomorrow's.  

i keep much of what i feel to myself, because i have learned no one truly cares.  i will share things here, but it will be limited.  Much of what i am feeling will die with me.