Lately

my depression has gotten almost overwhelming lately.  i wake up each morning upset that i didn't slip away during the night.  During the day i have thoughts of suicide (which i would never do because i believe suicides go elsewhere and i just want to be with my SADDI again).  Or that my failing heart would just give up.  i cry often and star, silently, at nothing.

Devon has been gone for two days, saying he is with his cousin, but i honestly don't know what to believe anymore.  He said he was going to a BBQ on Tuesday, then at 12:15am he sent me a text saying he was spending the night.  The next day, he sent me a Facebook message at 9:45pm saying that he was waiting for a ride.  It's now nearly 4:00pm on Thursday, he's not back and no messages.  When he first came to America, while i was at work, he met a few men from online (i only found out when i saw a photo with one of the men).  And during a recent argument, Devon told me he can't be 100% about staying with me.  Since that time he has taken last minute weekend trips with "friends".

i can't say anything because i am always wrong (he says) about anything i feel or say.  i know our life together hasn't fulfilled his dreams, but i have to think he has had more freedom then he would have ever had in China.  But i'm also confident, someone else would have given him a better life.

That doesn't help with my depression or my feeling of being worthless.  

i was sexually abused by my step brother.  Physically abused by my step father.  My 'real' father rejected me.  My mother told me she had to stop living to have me.  My family betrayed me and stopped talking to me on my birthday in 1998.  i was physically and emotionally abused by a former partner, Jaye Sablan, during our four year relationship (he has since gone around lying about me and what happen).  And with Devon, i'm always being told that i am wrong. While he stands up for his friends who he knows have talked lies about me and came into our home and were disrespectful, rude, to me.

Devon's status, until recently, has not allowed him to work, so we have been a one income family.  There have been many struggles, the main one being not being able to help SADDI when she had cancer.  And now with my health, i am not really able to work, so we are on a very tight budget.  But Devon still goes out, lets his friends pay for him or uses money for his wants from his parents.

It going to sound like a playing the victim, but it is a reality, when i die, no one will mourn for me.  It wont matter when i am dead, but now, it really hurts that i am so alone.

UPDATE... Devon came home around 9:45pm, didn't say anything, just got a blanket and sat next to me.  As always nothing is said.  He wouldn't understand how much hurt i am feeling.  Or care.  It's a Chinese thing.