August 5, 2015

Small victories.

i'm able to stand up from the sofa easier lately, but my upper body strength is certainly not where it should be.  i'm also walking a bit better, i actually stepped out onto the porch and stood there for a short time getting some fresh air.  It felt good to fill my lungs.  Though just that short walk takes a lot out of me.   i spend much of my day and night seated on the sofa.  i rarely drink anything because i don't want to keep getting up to pee and all i have ate since coming home two days ago is a bowl of cereal that first night.   Devon went out last night and i asked him to bring me home something, but i fell asleep before he got home and he just let me sleep.

i do feel bad having to ask so much of Devon and that created a bit of a fight today.  He's concerned about having a husband with only one leg and the added pressures these past three years of my declining health have had on him.  His friends (who don't know me) and his family, question why he is still with me.  i can't begin to express how deeply this hurts me as he has had other friends who have said the same thing in the past.   To hear it from Devon, i'm nothing more than a whiner with no friends beyond Facebook.  Which in reality is true.   Devon seems to make friends who are always able to pay for dinner, movies and take him to the lake for a few days.   He's okay with that.  i have been like that and don't enjoy people paying my way.  He says we have nothing to talk about, but when i try to talk to him while he is watching a Chinese show on the computer, he always seems upset that i am bothering him.  i love him so much and he is right, he is all i have.  Hopefully when my leg heals and i am able to get around better, things between us will be better.