H O M E

i came home on August 3, 2015 after 12 days in the hospital.  All the days blended together, i don't have much of a memory of my time there.

Coming home was of some concern, especially getting up the 4 steps to the house.  But our dear neighbor Anne picked me up, i took up the entire back seat as i am unable to bend my leg due to the cast.   After 12 days laying in a hospital bed, the fresh air i was looking forward to wasn't there as the air is filled with smoke from distant fires but it was so nice to be freed.

Upon arriving home and sliding out of Anne's car, i started to get nervous about going up those four steps with basically only one leg.  Instead of thinking about, i just handed Devon my walker and took that first step and then the next and soon i was standing at the top with the aide of my walker.

The first thing i did inside the house was come over and give SADDI's ashes a kiss and thanked her for being with me in the hospital.  i miss her so much, but our memories and my love for her find a way of bringing me peace and a smile through the tears.

i had to ask Devon for a few things and i know i was getting on his nerves.  So i just tired to go to sleep so as not to bother him further.  But in the middle of the night i needed to go to the bathroom and it worried me.  Getting up from the toilet was something i never thought of before, but i struggled to lift myself.

In a couple of days Devon is leaving for about a week for a conference in Chicago with the Pride Asia group he belongs to, this was arranged many weeks ago.  He doesn't want to go, especially now.  But he needs to go, as i don't want to hold him back because of what i am going through.  i'm scared of being left home alone for that time, but i can't go anywhere or do anything anyway.

My depression isn't any better, as i am crying often.  But it's not about being home, it's not about part of my leg missing ... it's about not being the ric i once was.   i wonder if i will be again.  Everyone in the hospital assures me i will be normal again, but right now it is so difficult to see beyond this moment i am living.