i know it has been just over 6 years, but the pain, guilt and loneliness hasn't faded. i miss my little girl. i've learned not to expect anyone to fully understand, no one was really around us. So they really don't know the beautiful of our bond. Of our love and need for one another.
Just having SADDI laying next to me with her head resting on my lap could calm me and make me feel safe.
i know that i didn't do enough when SADDI got sick. i will live with that guilt forever. i will accept all negatives that follow me through life, knowing that i deserve them. Had i taken care of my own health, i would have been strong enough to be able to do more for her. Had i thought about the future, we wouldn't have lived day by day and had a cushion in case of something like that cancer that attacked SADDI.
That final moment with SADDI, before the doctor gave her the fatal shot, i whispered in her how much i love her. i thanked her for loving me. She lifted her paw, though her energy was so weak, and she placed her paw on my hand. Even at the end she was taking care of me. And then she was gone.
Every day since, every hour, i think of SADDI. Something silly she would do. Our long walks, where she always guided me. When we would sit on the bench at the local college, my arm around her and her body leaning closely against me. She wouldn't let me give her kisses in public, but i did so anyway. How when Devon arrived, she loved him from the beginning. But she still took care of me with such love and loyalty. She insisted on sleeping between us, usually with her back against mine so closely i wasn't able to move. When i was sick in bed, with the blankets covering my head except for a small opening so i could breath. SADDI would go for her walks with Devon, but as soon as they came back, the first thing she did was come and check on me. Her cold wet nose against mine. She would go off to another room to eat, but after each bite i would hear her walking back to the bedroom, her nails clicking on the wood floor. Still chewing her meal, she stuck her nose through the small opening of the blanket to touch my nose. She did this with every bite. When she was done eating, she jumped up on the bed with me. Devon covered both of us with a blanket. Devon almost had to insist that she go for a walk with him, she didn't want to leave me.
i think about all the times and people i wasted away from SADDI. Believing i could trust people, when all they wanted to do was use me. But i think about the times SADDI and i went for rides, she would be seated on the in the center of the back seat of the VW bus. Every time i looked in the rear view mirror i could see her smiling.
Today, i think about what truly will happen when i die. Will i see my beautiful little girl again? Or with death, is that all there is?
The soul of SADDI lives and i will, until my last moment, remember her and share about her. i have never known anyone, human or animal, who has had such an impact upon my life. Not just a 'dog', easily replaced. But there are those who will never understand or respect that ... and i don't care. For i have been so blessed to have been so loved.
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