All my life, as long as i can remember, i have had an obsession with my own death. There have been three attempts at suicide and many thoughts of it as well.
My beliefs in suicide changed after seeing the 1998 movie with Robin Williams ...
And especially after the 2009 death of SADDI.
i want to believe there is something more after visiting hours on this earth are over, but as i near death, with my age and health, i'm beginning to believe there is nothing more. Just darkness and silence.
i am not a religious person, so i don't believe in a heaven. i want to comfort myself into believing that after i am gone, i will be reunited with SADDI forever.
What i do know for sure, is that i will not be buried in the ground. Along with SADDI's ashes, i will be cremated and our ashes will be mixed with wild flower seeds and spread in an out of the way trail, where we will create beauty ... as i believe our bond to be.
i have days when i am ready to fall asleep, never to awake again. And i have days when i want more ... need to accomplish more ... a desire to experience more.
When i do die, i know i will not be missed. My family betrayed me years ago and left my life. Devon will move on. And friends ... what friends? If anything, i will hope i left behind a positive message and people will always smile thinking SADDI and i are together again
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