S T R U G G L I N G
January 30, 2016
The past couple of days i have really been struggling. It's been six months since i had part of my right leg amputated. Except for a couple of trips to the grocery store and a couple of doctors appointments, i have been stuck at home on the sofa. Devon has been away a lot with friends, a month in China visiting family and recently a month in San Francisco helping his family find a house.
Alone.
Our neighbor Anne gets our mail daily and i have a couple of minutes of human contact. Or i briefly chat with our mailman. A nurse comes over a couple of times a week to change the bandages, it takes about 10 minutes. Otherwise, i'm trapped within my own thoughts. Often twisted and very often directing me to end this charade called life.
i lay on the sofa crying at the stupidest things on TV.
i miss my SADDI so much.
Tonight, the feeling of ending my life was extremely overwhelming.
The amputation wound is slow to heal. Having my new leg only a couple of times, for a couple of days, the wound always opened up again.
Extremely bored, i crawled on my knees upstairs to try and clean the bathroom and one of the bedrooms. But all that crawling on my knees, on the carpets, caused me to create a nasty wound on my left leg. Since that is the leg i hop on, with the aide of my walker, i'm now worried about what damage i have done and how it will affect me getting around. Usually i just scoot around while sitting in a chair. But i need the walker to get to the bathroom.
What hurts the most is how alone i am and how i feel. If i didn't respond to people's Facebook postings, i would never hear from them. i send out inspiring postcards, usually monthly, but all i find in my mailbox are bills that i cannot pay.
i've fallen a couple of times, because of my balance issues. If something serious happen to me, no one would know for a couple of days.
Devon's not due back for a few weeks, i'm honestly not sure if i can survive much longer.
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