i've been thinking a lot about death recently. Something i have been obsessed with so much of my life.
More so since SADDI died, because truly all i want now is to be with her or at least know that when i do die we will be reunited.
The decline of my health has also helped to flood my mind with thoughts of death.
Recently online there was a silly game called 'Death Clock'. You entered basic information about yourself and it would tell you when you were going to die. i tried it three times, with the same info, and each time it came back that i was going to die within at least 35 years.
With my life the way it is today (01/24/16), i question if i will be around tomorrow. With diabetes, an amputated right leg, congestive heart failure, two minor strokes, over weight all my life and sever depression, is this honestly how i want to live for another 35 years?
i'm so alone within this life despite being married and giving myself to people all the time only to be ignored and rejected. Why, how, could i live another 6 months like this, let alone 35 years or more.
In death, i have a fantasy that SADDI and i are together forever. Sitting next to each other on a cloud, watching the stars, rainbows and the changing seasons on earth. In reality, i believe when life is over, it's just over. Like a deep dreamless sleep.
Whatever death is and whenever it is, i'm here now in the living. i need to do my best to make a positive difference within this world. Alone or possibly (hopefully) with others.
There's a line from the movie 'Shawshank Redemption' that i will embrace ...
Get busy living or get bust dying.
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