Devon has been in San Francisco for the past month, helping family members getting settled. i have no idea when he'll return. Before that, he was in China for a month visiting family. And when he was here, many times he was away with friends, often staying with them for several days (friends i have never met).
Since July 2015, i have basically been stuck at home with issues because of my leg and then the amputation. The loneliness has been overwhelming and very damaging on my emotions. i wont deny, thoughts of suicide have often run through my mind.
Today, a fairly nice winter day in Seattle, i slide the chair to the front porch and sat my way down the steps to work in the yard a little. i don't have my leg because the wound keeps opening and is taking longer to heal than expected. i'm very limited in what i am able to do and i can't leave the house using my walker, except to do some minor shopping and go to the doctor. Even around the house, using my walker, i have fallen a few times. Now, i'm so scared to use anything except a chair to get around.
i found out today that sax smooth jazz play, Kenny G, was coming to town. i sent Devon a message asking if he wanted to go. He said yes, so i bought the tickets. When i called to tell him we had two tickets for May 1, he said, "only two?". i asked why only two, who else did he want to invite. i guess his mom is coming to stay with us again after her stay in San Francisco.
The last time Devon's mom stayed with us was extremely stressful. i felt so alone within my own home, especially since Devon really hasn't told his family we are a couple, and now married. i'd be having a conversation with Devon, his mom would walk into the room and just start talking, as if i didn't even matter. She was asked over and over again that she needed to wash her hands when cooking, for four months she needed to be reminded. Even a couple of days before she left, when she thought i wasn't looking, she just turned on the water, to make it seem like she was washing her hands, but she wasn't. We had lunch on Capitol Hill and decided to walk back into town, all downhill. As i struggled to do the hills while wearing my cast, Devon and his mom were a block ahead of me, never looking back to see me struggling. It got so bad, the stresses and disrespect, that i tried to kill myself because i felt so alone.
i'm not allowed to being any of this up and if i do Devon yells at me, stops talking to me and makes me feel like shit.
And now she's coming back to stay with us, likely over the summer. No one asked me and only now am i being told. Again, it doesn't matter. Despite the fact that i pay the rent, the bills and the groceries ... and with her staying with us, i'll have to pay extra to the rent, which i really can't afford.
i was really looking forward to getting healthy and doing things with Devon again. Even the two of us going on vacation together, which we have never done. But with his mom coming, that wont happen. Because of the issues with my leg, i have never been able to go upstairs and even sleep with my husband, i've always slept on the sofa. i'll still be on the sofa with his mom staying with us.
i just wish Devon could step back and look at what i have been dealing with these past four years with the issues with my leg and especially the past 7 months since the amputation.
Because of my health, i haven't been able to be the husband i want to be. With Devon, there have been too many secrets and lies. i even found some unsettling pictures on his computer. i truly feel so alone in this marriage. In this life.
For the sake of everyone, i think it is time i just go with SADDI.
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