Waking Up Crying

i laid down for a Sunday afternoon nap, only to awaken about an hour later by the sound of my own voice screaming.  i was dreaming that i was laying on the ground, crying for SADDI, like i did the days after she was taken from me.  i awoke crying out for SADDI, my eyes filled with tears and feeling so alone.  In the past, when i was crying because of life, SADDI would walk over to me, sit or lay down close to me.  i'd fill my hands with her fur while giving her kisses, it made life feel okay again.   Now, in these tears, i just feel how much i hate this life without SADDI.

i don't expect anyone to understand, the people in my life today, weren't there when it was just SADDI and i.  No one can fully understand what SADDI and i went through together.  SADDI was there when i moved out of a home i had lived in for 25 years, into a new life i honestly wasn't ready for.  SADDI was there when my entire family turned their back on me (on my birthday).  SADDI was there for me, when the person i was seeing at the the time was physically and emotional abusive towards me.  When SADDI was brought to the hospital to visit me, she just cuddled up against me, with that beautiful smile of hers.   After i returned from the weeks stay at the hospital, SADDI was there with me as i recovered at home.  For a couple of weeks, SADDI followed me everywhere.  i couldn't close the door even to go to the bathroom.  She stood there, watching and waiting for me.  When i went back to the sofa or to bed, SADDI was right there next to me.

And moments before SADDI left for the rainbow bridge, as the doctor was just about to give her the shot to free SADDI from the cancer, SADDI lifted her paw and placed it on my hand.  Yes, even in her last moment of life, she was taking care of me.

i don't know what happens after our time on earth comes to an end, i just hope that when it s my time, i will find myself safely and happily with the spirit of SADDI.  If that is to be, look to the night sky, that star glowing brightly and beautifully, that will be us together again.

As we should be.