Every Step You Take

It's been a couple of weeks since i was given my leg and the process of learning how to walk again is slow.  Too slow.  There are times i have more confidence than other times, but i am still so very cautious.  The weather is improving and all i want to do is go out and take pictures.  Get a job.  Have my freedom back.

But even standing i have issues with balance.

i get around the house with relative ease, but that's because i have furniture and walls to hold onto.  Outside i clutch my cane with a tight grip.  Instead of looking ahead of me, or enjoying the beauty of life around me, i'm normally looking down at the sidewalk to see where my next step will land.  Even the slightest uneven sidewalk, i have a moment of fear that i will trip on it and have a difficult time getting up on my own.

Yesterday, while taking the trash/recycling to the curb, my knee buckled and i fell.  i have my cell fone with me at all times, so i called Devon to see if he could come out and help me get up.  But he was ignoring his fone, so i tried to balance myself and the rolling cart to be able to get up again.

Nearly ten months of not walking, the short distances i am able to venture out to take so much out of me.  Just a short trip to our backyard, i break out into a sweat on a not too warm day.

After a fall down the stairs a few months ago, before i had my leg, i'm still having a visit from a nurse twice a week to care for wounds on my good leg.  They were healing really well, but the past couple of weeks they seem to be leaking a lot more.  My blood pressure has been very high and fluid has built up in my leg causing swelling.  So i have concerns about the health of my good leg.  Emotionally or financially i could not handle another major setback.   i'm back on a high blood pressure pill and the swelling has gone down slightly, but a side effect of the pills is that it makes me pee a lot.  And when i have a feeling of needing to pee, there is no waiting, it has to be done right away.

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Devon has started working for Chihuly Glass Garden under the Space Needle as a tour guide.  After training, his first day of work, he came back cruelly grumpy.  i tried to be understanding, but i begged him not to take it out on me.  His back was sore and he was tired.  After a shower and a back massage from me, he was in a better mood.  The money he makes wont go to help us or even entertain us.  He has to send the money back to China for an apartment his parents bought without Devon even seeing it.  So, as it has been since Devon and i have been together, i have the stress of the bills, rent, groceries, laundry and cleaning the house.  And he'd rather go out with his friends lately than go out with me.

The second weekend i had my leg, where i had some confidence to walk, Devon was gone for several days with his friends.  i was devastated, but use to it.  When he is home, he's usually in the front room working on his fashions or sitting a few feet away from me on the computer, either time with earphones on. If i try to get his attention, i'm made to feel belittled.

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i know that everything negative thing happening to me is deserved.  i failed SADDI in allowing the cancer to take her away from me, as much as i desire peace and happiness, i don't deserve it and never will.  i miss SADDI so much.