After nearly ten months of being unable to walk, stuck in the house, bored, depressed, alone ... i finally have my leg and i am learning to walk again. My successes are small, maybe walking about 4 blocks. But i'm able to do it. Even though it takes so much out of me.
So here i am, the second weekend with my leg, able to walk and get out of the house ... and Devon decides to spend the weekend with his friends again. He has done this often while i am recovering. He knows, but doesn't care how much it devastates me. And these friends, he has ensured i haven't met, but he has made a point of telling these friends have told him he should leave me.
Devon and i have been together for nearly ten years, married for almost two and during this time he has never worked or help with the rent, bills, groceries nor does he help maintain the house unless i beg him. Recently he called me and needed his social security number, he thought it was upstairs. i hadn't been upstairs in months and i was still getting use to my leg ... but i went up there to look for what he needed. The room was a disaster. Material covering the floor, i had to be so careful to walk over to the desk, trying not to step on any of his materials. i couldn't find what he needed, where he thought it was, so i started to leave, barely able to step and i fell to my knees. i had to crawl through the room to the railing of the stairs to lift myself up. i called Devon and told him i couldn't find what he needed and that because the room was such a mess, i fell. He was more worried about my not finding his social security card. Over a week now, i went upstairs again to close the windows, the room is even more of a mess. He has time to watch his video's on the computer, hang out with his friends, even help his friends ... but when it comes to us ... me ... he takes advantage of the situation.
i honestly cannot take it anymore.
All the stresses of the bills, rent, groceries, cleaning fall on me. And being unable to escape the house, my depression has worsened to the point i'm ready to check out.
During the time i was stuck at home, except for the nurse who cared for my wounds and our neighbor Anne who brought over the mail when Devon was away, i only had one visitor. Otherwise, my only company was the TV. When Devon was here, he'd usually be sitting at his computer, with his earphones on. If i tried to talk to him, he'd snap at me with attitude.
i try so much to send positive energy out to the world, i guess i shouldn't expect to get any of it back.
Emotionally, i am so drained.
As i learn how to walk again, i know i can't even depend upon or even ask Devon to join me ... or help me.
i have cried so much lately and at least once a week i think about ending this journey of mine. But i try to hold onto hope for the future. But it's clear, that hope will never be.
ric berrong
May 13, 2016
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