Melt Down

Well, i spent another birthday in the hospital.  Four years ago i had a toe removed.  This time, an infection on what started out as just a bit of skin rubbing off my stump from an ill-fitted prosthetic leg.

i went into the emergency room the day before and was admitted.  As i got to my room, i began to shake uncontrollably because of the fever.  i was trying to hold the urinal to pee, but my hand and body were shaking so hard i would have likely peed all over the floor instead.

i awoke on my birthday in the hospital, but was told i couldn't eat anything because i was scheduled for surgery to drain the infection.  But i was never told what time.  Actually i didn't go into surgery until 9:30pm and was back in my room around 11:00pm.  Thankfully i had ordered a salad before i went into surgery, so that was my birthday celebration.

Before i fell asleep, i decided i will never again attempt to celebrate my birthday again, if i am allowed another.  Last year, Devon spent the day with his friends and the year before that i was sick with a cold so we missed a burlesque performance we had tickets for.  And of course, 1998 when my family disowned me on my birthday.

The next day i was hooked up to a wound vac, to suck out all the nasty that might still be inside of me.  i made the mistake of looking down and seeing the large hole on my leg.  So how long will this take to heal before i am able to try to learn to walk again?

i spent 6 days in the hospital, alone.  A lot of thinking, too much thinking and feeling my depression going even deeper.

i'll have to wear the wound vac for about three weeks.  The bag holding the vac around my neck, or on a chair next to me as i attempt to sleep.  i'm so afraid to move for fear that the cord to the vac attached to my leg will wrap around my other leg.  i can't use my walker without feeling the vac bouncing against my chest, throwing off my balance.

Today, just before the nurse arrived for wound care, i was using the bathroom.  i heard him arrive, so i tried to hurry out, but the cord didn't go through my pant leg very well and my sweatpants were falling off as i came out of the bathroom.  i tried to get the nurse to help me, but his thick accent, he had made it difficult for him to understand what i needed.  The cord was going up my butt crack and wrapped about my testicles, so when he pulled on the cord, it got tighter around my testicles.  i was just getting more and more upset.  Devon tried to help, but he doesn't listen very well and i was upset, which didn't help.  Finally we got the cord out, cleaned and i was able to sit down.  But i was so upset, i began crying.  i'm so tired of this crap.  Everyone tells me to be patient, but after dealing with this issue for 4 years and nearly a year since the leg amputation, honestly, i don't know how much more i can take.

i made my apology's to the nurse and Devon, but i know they can understand what i am going through. 

And this has put such a strain on Devon and i as well.  We use to go out all the time, but for a year we have only been out once, when i had just received my leg.

Tomorrow is our second wedding anniversary, we wont be able to go anywhere.  Thankfully he is working.

As i write this on June 28, 2016, i truly don't know if i will be, or will want to be here next year at this time.  Staying at home, basic things like going to the bathroom or putting away the dishes, is now an ordeal.  i'm trying, seriously trying, to remain hopeful, but everyday it gets more and more difficult.