Dan Lusko

 

In my 54.5 years upon this earth, i have numerous regrets. Far too many to mention. One of the biggest, was being untrue to who i truly am. Living two separate, completely different lives. Both of which were lies.

From high school until only recently, i wanted to be liked and acknowledged. So i hung around with one crowd, while secretly being with another. i was immature and cruel to someone i admired, and loved, because he was brave to be himself. And i wasn't. Dan Lusko was the first person i knew who was openly gay. While we embraced one another outside of school, in school i was distant from him. After high school, we drifted apart, but somehow i was able to find him and we shared some very beautiful letters. But then he learned he was HIV+ in the early 1980's and he became rightfully bitter. i don't know when he died, i have always felt so guilty that he died alone.

In our shared letters, i did apologize to Dan for my behavior, but it wasn't enough. Looking back, had i embraced his truth to realize my own, i would not have lived the sheltered life i did. And when i think of Dan, beyond his beauty, was a strong powerful soul who was so alone and didn't deserve that.

In the years that followed, i would gave myself to a job that had no future, but i worked hard and long hours. i did so because i didn't think i could accept my truth. Growing up in a very judgmental family, i was scared. And my fears became true when my family turned against me when i did find the courage to accept my true self. As the years have passed, i am truly happier without them in my life. Without their judgments.

But i still had so much grown ahead of me. i began working for Cascade AIDS Project as a volunteer in office and at a bath house. My devotion to the job was appreciated and i was hired a full-time employee within a couple of months. But i didn't have the education for the position, so someone else was hired to replace me (he lasted two months). i volunteered at an AIDS hospice, but it was so difficult emotionally for me that i only stayed a year. How stupid, it was hard on me, when people were dying, many alone.

Everything in my life i had given up so easily, because it was hard. Never fighting for my dreams and desires.

Now, with my time limited on this earth, i finally see where i need to be. Where my energy should have been focused long ago.

i applaud the young LGBT people i see today for having the courage to embrace their truth. i cheer the people who fought while i was hiding. Cleve Jones, Harvey Milk, the lesbians who were the first to volunteer at the hospices, the drag queens who stood up to the police at the Stonewall Inn, the many who have fought, were beaten and even murdered while i was hiding.

i am NOT hiding any longer nor will i ever again. i am a happily faithfully married queer man (thank you Devon Yan). i cannot tell Dan Lusko how truly sorry i am, or the other friends i was not truly a friend to, all i can do now is never allow myself to hide. And to always protect those who still feel they must hide. And i will embrace as many as i can for as long as i can in this celebration of life.