i regret

When talking about my 55 years on this earth, it always beginnings 'i regret'.  It took me far too long to realize my passions in life.  Staying in a job for 11 years that i was unhappy doing and had no future.  Staying home too often.  Thinking my mother was my best friend.  Not challenging myself or pushing myself.  Denying my passions and attractions.

 

 

In my entire life, i would change everything, except one day.  Only one day where my life was changed and forever altered.  May 10, 1996, when SADDI picked me to share her life with.

 

i wish i had experienced love sooner.  Experienced life more fully.  Instead i went to work and came home.  Sitting in front of the TV instead of exercising.  Playing mind games by just wishing instead of actually doing.

 

Now, at 55, my health declining, too broke to do anything, life without SADDI and looking back with heavy regret.   Today, i sit in a wheelchair because it's taking so long for the amputation wound to heal, and i watch youth enjoying life.  Young people who are free and unattached, clinging to their parents.

 

i remember the first time i went to a gay bar, by myself, i stood outside pretending i was waiting for someone.  Looking back, it seems like i stood their for hours trying to find the courage to go in.  i know it wasn't that long.  And i sat in a distance corner watching the dancers, not talking to anyone.

 

i see today, the life i should have lived.  The life i desire to live.  The life i will never have.  And i watch the time passing faster everyday and the regrets building.