i HATE today

Today marks 20 years since my small family disowned me, finding me unworthy, on my birthday.  It was meant to be a surprise party, put together by my then boyfriend, Jaye.  He made invites on the computer that said 'It's My Baby's Birthday' and that triggered my family.  i had come out to them about a year and a half earlier, they were all fine with it and said they kinda knew, but were waiting for me to accept it.  So i guess it was fine for me to be gay, just not happy.  My "religious" aunt was the first to say she wasn't coming to my party, she felt the invite was "inappropriate".  My cousin Melinda did come, with her husband Jeff.  i thanked her for coming and in my hurt said i was glad she didn't think it was inappropriate.  She got upset and said some very cruel things. She said i was shoving my lifestyle down their throats.  HuH?  i never even held Jaye's hand or sat next to him at the few family gatherings we attended.  i started crying and left the party, not wanting to upset the other guest.  Melinda and Jeff passed me in their car, that was the last time i saw her or ever heard from her.  We were always close growing up.  i was even the father of the bride proxy at her wedding because her dad had died.  i never heard from my aunt again either.  After the party, i came home and just wanted to cuddle with SADDI to find some comfort.  But Jaye was having one of his usual drama fits, only adding to the stress and heartache of the day.  A few days after the party, i sent my aunt and Melinda a sincere respectful letter wondering what was so offensive about the invite and why they couldn't celebrate that i had finally found happiness and truth in myself.  The only communication i received from my family was that Christmas, when i received a 3 page computer generated card from Corrina, Melinda's sister.  The card kept saying i was going to hell unless i accept Christ into my heart.  As if that first Christmas, without my family, was going to be difficult enough.  As time went on Jaye became even more abusive, both physically and emotionally.  i had no one to reach out to.  A couple of years later, when i finally found the courage to have enough of his lying, cheating and abuse, i had no one to talk with.  Over the years, with the memories of betrayal lingering in my thoughts, i attempted to celebrate my birthday, always a devastating failure.  So i have given up.  i actually detest June 20 and the days approaching it.  It's just another day of heartbreaking memories that i attempt to shield my emotions.  Too many days i have to do this.  When i see movies and TV shows where someone comes out and they are embraced by family and friends, i know, first hand, it is not reality.  And because i came out so late in life, i wasn't really welcomed into the youth obsessed LGBTQ community.  So today i will find a quiet spot where i like to celebrate life.  Remember SADDI.  And just hope that no one ever has to feel the betrayal of their family and friends, just because they are true to who they are.  Sadly, it will happen to others.  It does happen to others.  Even in 2018, where it seems we are going backwards and having to deal with even more hatred because we are different, in a small way, than others.  (Just read the online comments and rise in attacks)