How Do You Describe Love?

How do you put into words

what a picture says so easily

Maybe i am fucking crazy

Cuddling with SADDI gave me comfort and peace. Just being near her i knew i was loved and safe. In these 17 months since SADDI was taken from me, i have struggled to sleep, find peace or even want to remain on this earth without her.

Now, in a small wooden box, sitting above the fireplace, surrounded by pictures and memories, wrapped in her favorite scarf, are SADDI's ashes. i kiss and speak to this box daily, unsure if SADDI still hears me, but it gives me comfort to have some way to talk with her. i miss my SADDI, my best friend, the love of my life, so very much. i need her.

Often i will lay with this wooden box on my chest and i am able to have the deepest sleep. Just like when SADDI was here, she would sleep tightly against me, where i wasn't able to move, and it was the most comfortable and fulfilling sleep. Last night, i laid the wooden box on the pillow next to my head, kissing it three times and saying aloud "good night SADDI". Within moments, i was asleep. Hours later, as i slowly began to awake, my head against the wooden box, it felt as if SADDI's body was against my back. i tried to go back to sleep, not wanting to awake to the reality that it was only the blanket rolled up against me. There are moments when i feel SADDI near me and i try to cling to them so they wont go away.

So maybe i am crazy. i don't care what anyone thinks anymore, because those i did care about have taken it upon themselves to betray the meaning of friendship we shared. SADDI was, is and forever will be my best friend and the love of my life. To survive without her, i need to do whatever possible to feel her close to me still. And if humans cannot understand and respect my devotion to SADDI, they are missing out on the beauty of the love story SADDI and i share.

There aren't enough minutes in the day to express how much i miss and need us

... Once upon a time when i was a photographer ...

There was a time in my life when i never left the house without my camera. Daily i would find something, anything, to photograph. Inspired by seasons, colors, nature, life, this was my way of expression. And then on Sunday, August 9, 2009, everything changed and i lost my desires, hopes, dreams and passions for this life. When SADDI died in my arms, a large piece of me died as well. Humans don't understand and many have been quite cruel in their failure to respect my emotions and pain. Today, i continue in this lonely journey with just memories, photo's and a fading belief that i will once again be with my SADDI. No one knows what happens when we die, all we have is what Hollywood has taught us. Peacefully i would leave all my memories and photo's behind today just to be with SADDI again.

... Happy endings only happen in Hollywood movies. Reality is found in living life and it is not always a happy ending ...

i have no trust in humans at all

It has all been lost and destroyed

People will come and go in life

Without concern or worry for whom they have hurt

Humans are selfish and often cruel

Their examples within my own life have proven their value is limited

Sometimes even worthless

i look forward to the day of being released from this earth

Reunited with my SADDI

With whom i was always loved and safe

The years we spent alone will forever be my happiest memories