QUESTIONABLE

i keep asking SADDI to bring me with her, i truly don't want to be a part of this world anymore.  It is truly getting so bad that i have many thoughts of suicide everyday.

Devon left Sunday morning for a meeting with the PRIDE Asian group he belongs to and then was going to meet a so called friend, someone who has spoke negatively about both Devon and i behind our backs.  About 9pm he sent me a message saying he was going to see a movie with his cousin, who he seems to be spending a lot of time with lately.  She's a very negative person, rude and has lied about going to school to her parents in China.  Neither of these two people are allowed in my life and Devon knows this.

A few weeks ago he said he was making a last minute trip to Portland to show her around, where she might move for college.  A week ago he said he was going to her place for a BBQ, he returned two days later. 

i replied back to him how nice it must be to have money to go out so often and not have to worry about our bills or keeping the house clean.

Around 2am, Devon sent me a message saying he was sorry for not being able to help and he keeps failing me and that he was staying at the college where his cousin is suppose to live.

Everything that has been happening lately is so questionable, i don't know what to believe anymore.