S A D D I
Staying with the theme of the season, i ran for city council in Portland years ago. With 15 other people running, i knew i didn't have a chance. So i had to find little ways to get attention.
i had two small signs made that i tied together and put on SADDI, so during our walks she could advertise for me. And we took many walks, some of them really long walks throughout the city.
SADDI loved the attention. And she always got more attention than i did. One woman said she's rather vote for SADDI than anyone else running. i agreed.
Of course, i lost the election, but SADDI and i had a lot of fun together.
S A D D I
When i was laid-off of a job i really liked and finally making some good money, i was in shock ... numb. i can't say it wasn't expected, after 9/11 the business had slowed and they were trying to find cuts everywhere.
i gathered my belongings and got on the short bus ride home, questioning myself and the future. i was scared. When i opened the door, i was greeted, as always, by SADDI with love. Jumping up on me. Barking at me. Her curled tail wagging wildly. i put SADDI's leash on her, still in a daze about what had happened, and we headed out for a walk on a beautiful spring day.
We went down to the waterfront. SADDI knew that i wasn't my regular self. she seemed more silly than usual, trying to make me happy. Going after sticks and pine cones, running in circles around me. By the time we reached the waterfront, with SADDI and all her love, i was feeling hopeful and positive.
Nothing mattered anymore except what i had in this moment. SADDI always had this affect upon me. Years abused by someone who said they loved me, SADDI comforted me. My families betrayal, i had my true family who loved me, SADDI. When i brought Devon Yan home, SADDI celebrated with me. Even as SADDI was taking her last breath, she reached her weak paw up and placed it on my hand to comfort me.
What i am going through now, i really need SADDI so much.
S A D D I
SADDI taking a break from our morning walk along the waterfront.
We'd sit there, together, watching others passing by.
But it never failed that many would stop
and comment about how beautiful SADDI is.
SADDI sat there and soaked it all in.
After a while we'd get up and continue our exploring,
chasing birds and just enjoying our time together.
They were usually just simple walks, nothing noteworthy,
but how i miss them so very much.
HELP i've fallen and i can't get up
It’s been almost a year since the amputation. The day after i was told i would be walking within a month and able to audition for ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ within a year ... despite suffering from white guy rhythm.
- Well, i’m not walking. i’ve basically spent a year by myself, inside my very dangerous thoughts, with no sign of when, or if, i will be able to learn to walk again. i had six weeks with my prosthetic because a very minor wound became infected. Now i’m attached to a wound vac 24/7. My neck is sore from having to carry it around with me everywhere and i wake up several nights at night needing to roll over, but fearful i will get my other leg wrapped in the tubing.
- i don’t and really can’t leave the house. For fear of falling and i am just not strong enough to go very far with my walker. Recently i had a doctors appointment, as i was “walking” to get to the uber, i fell. The driver didn’t want anything to do with me, so he drove away, leaving me on the ground.
- i no longer cry, just too tired and what’s the point anymore. My days are spent sitting just inside the front door, feeding the squirrels, waiting for the mail, watching life passing quickly by and battling negative thoughts. A battle i am not winning.
- Except for my weekly visit by my nurse, occasionally and briefly my neighbor and my squirrels who i have to bribe, i have had only one visitor. Many times i forget what my own voice sounds like. Devon is away quite a bit, i can’t stop him from living, but i wish he could realize how difficult all this is for me. But i guess i have to realize how difficult it is for him as well.
- An entire year of my life is gone. Four seasons. i have seen every episode of Law & Order and Leverage ... a couple of times. i watch Dr Phil to make me feel better about my own life.
- i’m not seeking sympathy ... i feel sorry for myself enough. What i do seek is for anyone reading this far to appreciate your life. The simple things you do daily, that you take for granted, appreciate you can do them. Or that you have someone or many someone’s there for you and with you. It’s easy to take things for granted, but we shouldn’t.
- i started a Facebook and Instagram page to share positive thoughts and energy. Something to share with others and hoping to inspire myself. It has a limited audience and i wonder why i even continue with it. But if i give up on it, i feel am giving up on myself. And i am really trying, struggling, not to do that. i send out postcards of my photography and a positive quote to people who appreciate them and addresses i have found of people i don’t know. They wont know it came from me, as i don’t seek praise or attention, all they know is it came from SAISARunlimited. i know we all have our lives to live, and in this world today, living is truly a precious gift. But if you can, try to remember every moment of every day to Celebrate Life. Every now and then, stop, give thanks. Our time on this earth is too short to waste it on being selfish. Leave a legacy of TRUTH, HOPE, LOVE, PEACE that the future can thrive on.
SADDI
i never taught SADDI any silly doggie tricks, she was always too bored with such things anyway. When i tried to teach her to shake, she just sat there staring at me.
When we played tug-of-war with the socky, SADDI would pull with all her strength. i could put my face against hers, while pulling with my arm and giving her kisses. SADDI would give a soft growl, trying to prove how tough she was, all the time getting kisses from me.
S A D D I
i say all the time,
how much i miss SADDI.
In reality,
i could never truly express how very much i miss her.
i think about her and our 13.5 years together all the time.
Many times,
i will find myself smiling at the most simple silly thought.
But very soon, the smile is followed by tears.
Inner Thoughts
As i approach one year since the amputation of my right leg, a year of being stuck home, usually alone, falling deeper into depression. i had about 6 weeks when i was able to walk, until a minor rubbing created an infection, sent me to the hospital (where i had surgery on my birthday) and now it will be several more months before i will be able to learn to walk again.
i think a lot about suicide, but i don't want to leave Devon will all the bills that have built up since i have been unable to work.
i have come to terms that when we die, that's all. There are no pearly gates or flames of hell, it's just a deep sleep without dreaming. i'm not happy about that, i want to be able to see my SADDI again.
A year now of being held hostage in my home has eaten away at my desire for life. i look forward to going to bed at night, but not waking up the next day. i'm usually in bed before 10pm and i struggle to get up in the morning, but there's normally a long nap during the day.
During the night, when i need to go to the bathroom, it's a whole ordeal that wakes me completely up. Especially now that i have a wound vac attached to my stump and i have to carry it where ever i go.
i spend most of my day seated just inside the front door watching life passing by.
Devon is gone again. Spending time in San Francisco and i guess New Orleans. Or he's spending the night with his friends. When he is here, he always has his earphones on and i nearly have to scream to get his attention.
If i recover from all this, before i die, i have no plans to seek friendships, as i have been betrayed so many times. i just want to work, pay off my debts and leave a legacy of SADDI's memory. But right now, July 13, 2016, i no longer see any hope for the future.
silly SADDI
it was cute when she was a puppy to allow SADDI
to think she was so strong and in control.
But it didn't take long before she actually was.
SADDI maintained her weight, about 45 pounds,
by pulling me along as she took me for walks.
And she always in control of the direction we took.
S A D D I
In the small apartment SADDI and i lived in for 9 years (too long), whenever i went outside the gate to put out the trash, do some gardening or go next door to 7-11, SADDI always had her nose, sticking out at the bottom of the gate to remind me she was there. i'd talk to her nose while i was on the other side of the gate so she'd know i was still there. She always hated having me out of her sight. If i got busy working in the front yard, SADDI would step back, let out a soft bark, and put her nose undet the gate again.
S A D D I
SADDI unsure if she wants to get off the sofa,
seated next to me, or if she wants to go eat dinner.
She stayed like this for several minutes
before deciding to get back onto the sofa,
fully, to sit with me.
Dinner can wait.
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