S A D D I
i love you so much SADDI
Lately i have thinking a lot about the 13.5 years
SADDI and i shared together.
Simple things.
Things other people wouldn't even give a second thought to.
But since my life has never been blessed with true
human friends, i devoted more time to SADDI and i.
i only wish i had given enough more time to her.
And less time to humans i thought were friends.
Or who i thought cared.
Whenever i felt down, confused, scared or unsure,
i always had SADDI there to comfort me.
Even though we couldn't speak to one another,
she still said so much to me with her eyes and the love she gave me.
When i was laid off my job,
i went home on the bus feeling numb.
When i returned home, SADDI greeted me with excitement,
completely unaware of what had happened.
i put on her leash and we took a walk to the waterfront.
Seeing SADDI's smile and the skip in her walk,
i realized everything was going to be okay.
Nothing mattered, just us.
SADDI has been gone for 7 years now,
the realities of life has me so scared.
Uncertain.
And i am alone.
All i have are our memories.
When i want to cry, i think of her smile.
i remember how she cuddled so closely against me.
i still want to cry but i can do so with a smile on my face.
Words cannot truly be expressed how much i miss SADDI.
If tomorrow i could be promised to be with SADDI again,
i would gladly leave this life.
But no one knows what happens after we die.
So for now, i will stay in this pathetic life,
living in my memories
and hoping i can soon have the health to honor SADDI.
SAISAR unlimited foundation
proving treats, blankets and needed supplies
for doggies living on the streets with their humans
D E V O N
i am so very proud of Devon
Tonight (09/22/10) he won!!!
He was picked out of 8 other designers
Though he has always been praised for his fashions,
this was his first win in a competition.
He is still a little out of focus,
tired from working his full time job
and many late nights working on 10 pieces for the show,
i don't think he truly realizes what he has accomplished yet.
He won $5000 and his pieces will be on
display in the Bellevue shopping mall for a month.
Bellevue, a high class area just outside of Seattle.
Devon has always worked so hard on his collections,
it is wonderful he is receiving even more acclaim.
May this only be the beginning.
Is life worth living?
feeling overly reflective
questioning everything
believing nothing
after 54 years and realizing i have no real friends
and accepting i don't need any
the silence in my life is overwhelming
but I have become use to it
and if i live until
tomorrow i will ensure i live for me
S A D D I
In 1998, my entire family rejected me because of their ignorance towards my being gay.
In 2009, SADDI died from cancer.
In all these years, i have never cried over my family.
Everyday i cry over missing SADDI so much.
New Start
Today, September 13, 2016 was my first outing using my wheelchair which i only received a couple of days ago. i was nervous, more so embarrassed having attention towards me because of the wheelchair. Getting to the bus stop was easy, it's a slight downhill journey. i actually got down there a lot quicker than i thought i would. The bus ride downtown was exciting, as i have not been down there in nearly a year, whereas before losing my leg, i was downtown many times during the week.
i had to go downtown because i am desperately in need of a job. We have no income now and i have always paid the rent and bills. i don't like to think of myself as disabled, but while looking for a job, i will take advantage of this wheelchair.
My infection wound is healing nicely and i should be able to wear my prosthetic in a couple of months. i have been exercising and really watching my diet, with my blood sugar numbers being excellent, so that is helping the healing, physically and emotionally.
After my trip downtown, from the bus stop 2 1/2 blocks away, i struggled to get home. It's all upward. i took many breaks and pushed myself backwards most of the way. At one point, about a block away from home, i called our neighbor, Anne, just to take a breather, but she couldn't understand me because i was breathing so heavily. So she came out and help me the rest of the way. The next time i have to go out, i am going to turn a different way of coming home ... but it's mostly steep downhill.
i use my good foot to help me along, but i am worried i might cause some damage to that foot. But i don't really have any other choice, i have to work so we can survive.
i had to go downtown because i am desperately in need of a job. We have no income now and i have always paid the rent and bills. i don't like to think of myself as disabled, but while looking for a job, i will take advantage of this wheelchair.
My infection wound is healing nicely and i should be able to wear my prosthetic in a couple of months. i have been exercising and really watching my diet, with my blood sugar numbers being excellent, so that is helping the healing, physically and emotionally.
After my trip downtown, from the bus stop 2 1/2 blocks away, i struggled to get home. It's all upward. i took many breaks and pushed myself backwards most of the way. At one point, about a block away from home, i called our neighbor, Anne, just to take a breather, but she couldn't understand me because i was breathing so heavily. So she came out and help me the rest of the way. The next time i have to go out, i am going to turn a different way of coming home ... but it's mostly steep downhill.
i use my good foot to help me along, but i am worried i might cause some damage to that foot. But i don't really have any other choice, i have to work so we can survive.
September 5, 2016
Is it Christmas?
As i was cleaning the house, especially the spoiled food that Devon's brings back and then never eats, i took out of the freezer an egg nog we bought in January. i put just a little in my dark rich coffee, it taste so good. But with every sip, i think of Christmas. This year, with our financial situation so troubling, i can only wonder what Christmas will be like. And with Devon's mom staying with us, she's not impressed with any kind of celebration, so we'll keep it very low key. Likely nothing at all.
As i grow older and my health is in question, i long for the days when i went all out to make Christmas special. The house filled with the scent of a tree, the glow of lights, our stockings hung somewhere special, presents waiting under the tree and music filling the house. i guess those days are gone forever, so i'll cherish them in my thoughts.
For now, i'll just enjoy the egg nog and memories.
Reality Update 09/03/16
i've taken a break from social media as i watch my life crashing around me.
The workers insurance we have been struggling to survive on, was taken away from me because THEY lost important paperwork that would have allowed it to continue. Because of THEIR error, our life has been turned upside down.
i have been unable to leave the house for over a year (except doctors appointments). The amputation wound took longer than expected to heal and then the infection wound caused from my prosthetic. My days have been spent sitting at the front door watching life passing by. And now, without an income, watching life come to an end.
i've resisted getting a wheelchair, because i was focusing on walking again. But i have finally given in and made the request, mainly so i can go out and find some kind of job to earn an income. But that has been delayed by lack of concern by the physical therapist who sent in the paperwork. i finally took control over it and should have a wheelchair in a few days.
i've also been really focusing on my diet and exercise, Devon's mom is now staying with us and i don't have the money to feed a third person. So i am making sacrifices.
In the past, when i started a diet/exercise program, i always gave up quickly because i didn't see instant results. Or it was too difficult. Today, i enjoy how my muscles are sore after pushing myself. i'm not really hungry either, but i eat limited meals just to keep my strength. My blood sugar numbers are amazing now that i am caring about myself.
Had i learned all this 30 years ago i wouldn't be in this situation today.
i've only been off social media for about 2 weeks and it is clear i am not missed. So it makes me think i should just go away forever. But i have a positive message to share, though it often gets ignored. i believe that the energy you send out comes back to you. Even though i believe that, i am not seeing or feeling it.
i leave the TV off much of the day, listening to my own thoughts, which is often dangerous. But since i am home alone much of the day, i talk to SADDI. i don't know if she can hear me, but it brings me some comfort. i miss her so very much.
i want to succeed with my diet/exercise and within life, so if SADDI can see me, she will know i am not a complete failure. Though, after 54 years, i have a lot to make up for. i just hope i have enough time in this life to be able to make up for some of my numerous errors. And mostly,make SADDI proud.
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