11%

i have every right to be depressed, having been in a cast to save my leg for nearly three years. My families rejection of me because of who i am. My heart giving up on me.    Currently funcationing at only 11%.  A life never as i have dreamed it could be. Friendship never being as they should be. Missing my SADDI so very much. In my life i have struggled with depression for over 30 years, but the reality is i have rarely been depressed. Instead of sitting around in tears and fears, i have always tired to be a witness to this glorious life. Something so simple as feeling the weather to something so amazing as watching an eagle watching me. Lately i get tired so easily, but i know there is much more to see and experience and learn. So i push myself a little further, slightly harder, because i don't want to regret anything more and i truly want to inspire many more. i have my moments where i question reality, i'm human. But more so i cherish and embrace reality. Before i woke up this this moment i am in right now, i did waste a lot of time that i now regret, but cannot change. i have today, this every moment, and it is truly so very special. ‪#‎CelebrateLife‬

reality

From my words, people might wonder why i stay with Devon.  Or why i married him.   The reality is that i cannot live without him.  Though he can often be hurtful, Devon has stayed with me despite my numerous failures.  Devon respects my love and devotion to SADDI.  Devon has taken care of me when i was ill.  Changing my bandages while my infections clear, something i could have never done myself.  Devon grew up spoiled in a never wanting life, something i have been unable to provide for him.  Devon may not be supportive of my interest, but that is how he was raised, by parents who discouraged instead of encouraged.  We have our differences in what we believe and what we like ... but we share so much too.  Yes, i have been deeply hurt by Devon, often he doesn't realize it because that he just how he was talked to growing up and often i can be overly sensitive because of how i have been treated.  i do love him and wish i was a better man for him, but for the most part he accepts me for who i am ... not his dream husband ... but his husband.   i am sorry if i am giving a negative impression of Devon, i do not mean to do so, just offering truths but i know i need to offer other truths. 

remembering SADDI

i'm not cold, just hiding my tears.   i miss my SADDI so much, no one truly understands or respects this.   5.5 years later and i still wait for her to jump on the sofa to sit next to me and lean against me.   i feel so alone in my life, no true friends and those i thought were, easily betrayed me.  Though i am married to Devon, there's a broken trust that happen in the beginning of our relationship and continues with his "secret" friends today.   i'm not welcomed when he meets up with his friends.  Just last year while he was doing a photo shoot, i stayed with all our belongings when he received a text message from someone looking forward to seeing him again and giving him a massage.  When i confronted Devon about this, he actually got mad at me and tried to make me feel bad about it.  He says it was just someone he meant when he went out with friends, but i wondered why he gave this stranger his number and why they were offering a 'special massage'.  Devon claims to have deleted the number, but he still goes to the same place to hang out with friends where i am sure he still see's this person.  i know i am not the man Devon hoped to be with, but i am the one who supports him and encourages him with truth.  Something i haven't from "friends" or especially from his parents.  And so i cry, alone, knowing my life is almost over because of my health, hopeful i will be reunited with my SADDI, but worried that there is nothing after we die.

Teasing SADDI

We told SADDI there was a horsey outside, she fell for it every time.  But when she realized we weren't laughing at her for that, but instead because of how we dressed her, she let us know that it wasn't funny at all ... which made it even funnier. 

Miss you SADDI

T A C O M A

i deserve it

i've had two real relationships in my life.  The first with Jaye, lasted four years.   During that time i took his physical and emotional abuse.  Today, he continues going around telling people i abused him and that we only dated.  Dated for four years while i cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills and took care of him during his darkest days with OCD.  One day, during one of his violent outburst, he kicked SADDI and he just continued on.   i should have kicked him out then, but i was so stupid and tried to work things out with him.

Today, i am legally married to Devon since June 29, 2014 and have been together since 2006.   But things are getting questionable.  When we were first together, while i was at work, he would meet men from online.  He claims there was nothing sexual.  Today he has "secret friends", because he feels it is healthy to have secrets from me, not realizing he is chipping away at the trust between us.   This morning, i took $2.00 from his wallet as i was leaving for something to drink while i was in Tacoma ... Devon had asked for a day alone, so i was giving it to him.  i found a receipt in his wallet for a rose and wrapping paper on a day he claimed to be going out to get thread.   i wont say anything, even though it hurts deeply.

i realized a long time ago that i didn't truly deserve happiness in my life.   Especially after i wasn't able to do anything for SADDI.  i've accepted this truth, but it doesn't mean i understand it.  Because of my failing heart, i know i wont be here much longer.  i leave my thoughts and emotions here to be found after i am gone.  All i can really say is my hurt and loneliness in life is deserved.  Hopefully in death i will be reunited with SADDI and i can be happy forever.

Broken Hearted

My health goes up and down all the time, many days i struggle to leave the house, other days i thrive and look forward to be alive.  Valentine's Day 2015 i was in the middle, but had to find my energy to celebrate the day with my husband, Devon.  We were quite early for the movie, so we to Pike Place Chowder for soup.   i just had a Pepsi, knowing our budget.  Somehow the conversation came to how i am not a proper representative for the DEVONATION brand because i am older and don't dress stylish enough for that crowd.   Devon always knows just what to say to make me feel like crap.   To please Devon. which isn't easy, we went to a Chinese movie and then to a Japanese restaurant for dinner.  Devon decided to get a 12 year old Japanese whiskey, believing it would taste differently than other whiskey.  (One sip i had, it didn't taste any different)  But then Devon started telling the story of his ex and when they would drink whiskey together.  I could fell my eyes filling with tears, seriously, who talks about their ex to their husband, especially on Valentine's Day?   Knowing that i am a diabetic and struggling with my health, i found it surprising that Devon would buy me chocolate for Valentine's Day.

February 2, 2015

Devon grew up without the support or encouragement he deserved or any child needs.  That cycle continues in how he often talks to me.  What he thinks is cute or funny, is very hurtful to me.   i've cried enough in my 52 years, because i have always been treated like this.  i know he loves me, but his word hurt me.  He knows it, but there is never an apology, only silence.  Yes, i did not get him a birthday gift, mainly because of our limited budget but i did bake him a cake and arranged for some true friends to gather and celebrate with him.  But how many times is he going to remind me that i didn't give him a 'gift'?  i have never said anything about not receiving a gift or even a card on my birthday or that even though i was sick, i had to make my own birthday dinner.  This isn't just about Devon, but about most people.   So easily they can ignore, belittle, disrespect and pretend to be friends to me.  If they need anything, that is really the only time i see or feel their friendship.  For whatever i did in a past life, and how i let SADDI down when she had cancer, i know i deserve my loneliness and sadness.  i just wish people could look at how they are towards others and break the cycle of being cruel.