S A D D I
i miss standing above SADDI,
my legs on either side of her hips,
slowly rocking my legs to make her hips sway back and forth.
And then lifting her to her back feet,
rubbing her soft belly and giving her numerous kisses.
When i put her back down,
her tail was wagging and she had that beautiful smile for me.
Melt Down
Well, i spent another birthday in the hospital. Four years ago i had a toe removed. This time, an infection on what started out as just a bit of skin rubbing off my stump from an ill-fitted prosthetic leg.
i went into the emergency room the day before and was admitted. As i got to my room, i began to shake uncontrollably because of the fever. i was trying to hold the urinal to pee, but my hand and body were shaking so hard i would have likely peed all over the floor instead.
i awoke on my birthday in the hospital, but was told i couldn't eat anything because i was scheduled for surgery to drain the infection. But i was never told what time. Actually i didn't go into surgery until 9:30pm and was back in my room around 11:00pm. Thankfully i had ordered a salad before i went into surgery, so that was my birthday celebration.
Before i fell asleep, i decided i will never again attempt to celebrate my birthday again, if i am allowed another. Last year, Devon spent the day with his friends and the year before that i was sick with a cold so we missed a burlesque performance we had tickets for. And of course, 1998 when my family disowned me on my birthday.
The next day i was hooked up to a wound vac, to suck out all the nasty that might still be inside of me. i made the mistake of looking down and seeing the large hole on my leg. So how long will this take to heal before i am able to try to learn to walk again?
i spent 6 days in the hospital, alone. A lot of thinking, too much thinking and feeling my depression going even deeper.
i'll have to wear the wound vac for about three weeks. The bag holding the vac around my neck, or on a chair next to me as i attempt to sleep. i'm so afraid to move for fear that the cord to the vac attached to my leg will wrap around my other leg. i can't use my walker without feeling the vac bouncing against my chest, throwing off my balance.
Today, just before the nurse arrived for wound care, i was using the bathroom. i heard him arrive, so i tried to hurry out, but the cord didn't go through my pant leg very well and my sweatpants were falling off as i came out of the bathroom. i tried to get the nurse to help me, but his thick accent, he had made it difficult for him to understand what i needed. The cord was going up my butt crack and wrapped about my testicles, so when he pulled on the cord, it got tighter around my testicles. i was just getting more and more upset. Devon tried to help, but he doesn't listen very well and i was upset, which didn't help. Finally we got the cord out, cleaned and i was able to sit down. But i was so upset, i began crying. i'm so tired of this crap. Everyone tells me to be patient, but after dealing with this issue for 4 years and nearly a year since the leg amputation, honestly, i don't know how much more i can take.
i made my apology's to the nurse and Devon, but i know they can understand what i am going through.
And this has put such a strain on Devon and i as well. We use to go out all the time, but for a year we have only been out once, when i had just received my leg.
Tomorrow is our second wedding anniversary, we wont be able to go anywhere. Thankfully he is working.
As i write this on June 28, 2016, i truly don't know if i will be, or will want to be here next year at this time. Staying at home, basic things like going to the bathroom or putting away the dishes, is now an ordeal. i'm trying, seriously trying, to remain hopeful, but everyday it gets more and more difficult.
S A D D I
when i think about my MANY walks with SADDI
and how i would grab her tail,
she'd turn back at me with that beautiful special smile ...
just thinking about it makes me smile.
Lately i've really needed those smiles.
S A D D I
SADDI and i spent many a times sitting peacefully on a bench at the nearby college. SADDI would lean her body against mine while i wrapped my arm around her to rub her chest. SADDI was more interested looking for squirrels and other doggies than noticing the smiles she received from the students passing by.
i wish it were possible to share the feeling of love between SADDI and i. Sure, i can talk about it, but i wish you could actually feel what i was so blessed to feel.
SADDI didn't pay attention to me either when we sat at the college, but feeling her against me, i knew how special i was to be her human.
S A D D I
During my numerous bouts with infections, SADDI never left my side
... except to eat or go to the bathroom.
If i rolled over, SADDI would move so her back was snuggled against mine.
Even when she went to eat,
she'd take a bite and chew it as she walked into the bedroom to check on me.
And then go get another bite and back to check on me.
As soon as SADDI was done,
she'd get right back into bed with me,
covered with a blanket by Devon.
When i'd have to go to the hospital,
Devon said SADDI would sit by the glass door crying.
i miss that love and devotion so much.
S A D D I
i love how out of the blue a precious memory
of SADDI enters my thoughts
and a smile shines through the tears.
i miss my SADDI so much.
Two Men Kissing
In the wake of 50 people murdered at a gay club in
Orlando Florida on June 12, 2016
after a man was upset seeing two men kissing,
a hashtag was started to show respect to the LGBT community.
S A D D I
It was a beautiful spring late afternoon.
i had come home from work, so SADDI,
Devon and i decided to take a walk.
The small little park attached to the office building
across the street was a favorite place of ours chase pine cones.
This special day was a perfect setting to take pictures and be silly.
And anywhere was a good place for a belly rub break.
June 4, 2016
After a couple of weeks of learning how to walk again, the new leg rubbed against my skin (despite the rubber sleeve i wear over my leg) and created a scar. It was small, just skin that had rubbed off the top, but because the sleeve causes my leg to sweat, the little scar has become infected. The smell was nasty, but now i am unable to wear my leg, or the sleeve (that helps shirk my stump) for a couple of weeks.
My left leg, still healing from the wounds when i fell down the stairs, after an afternoon of trying to clean up Devon's mess, has an infected wound as well. Not as bad, but still taking longer to heal.
The weather is extremely hot this weekend, Devon wanted to go to Alki beach, i just want to be out of the house. Or at least wear shorts. But i can't due to the wounds on both legs.
These latest infections have taken so much out of me ... emotionally. My depression has been so overwhelming that all i did was sleep ... in hopes i never woke up. In a 24 hour day, i was lucky to stay awake for 6 hours. Devon was at work or staying with his friends, instead of being home. But at least i fulfilled my duty of fixing him breakfast, lunch and while while keeping the house clean.
This whole ordeal started in 2006 when i had a toe amputated. These past four years, with my right leg, have been one thing after another. i truly think i have reached my breaking point. i just can't handle this anymore ... especially since i'm having to do it alone.
Even as i type this, my energy is weak and almost forced. That's what it feels like to stay alive ... forced.
remembering SADDI
When i worked at Fred Meyer, after i hurt my wrist i was put on light duty, which meant standing at the front door for 8 hours greeting customers. Often times humans would tie their doggies outside while they did some shopping. i was so bored, i'd go outside and talk to the doggies, to calm them while they waited. If the doggies were friendly, i'd pet them so they'd relax.
Problem was when i came home. Even if i washed my hands, SADDI could still smell another doggie on me. Though she was happy to see me, it was short lived and she became upset that i had clearly paid attention to another doggie.
S A D D I
when SADDI and i went to the nearby park,
attached to a child daycare,
i would get on the merry-go-round and get it started.
SADDI walked along side me keeping the merry-go-round going
as i held her leash. i was never able to get her to go down the slide.
She'd stand at the top staring at me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
