i awoke to live another day.
There must be a reason why.
To encourage others to 'seize EVERY moment'?
To live with my guilt?
Will i find the answers or will there just be more questions?
Saturday January 17, 2015 1:16am
It's likely 35* outside, with chest pains and soreness in my left shoulder,i'm awake a lil sweaty and weak. It is likely i wont wake up some morning and i am totally fine with that. i do enjoy life, but not the life i am living. And i know i am not a good person or why else am i so alone. My family has been out of my life since my birthday in 1998 ... their choice because of their chosen religious beliefs. i was told i was shoving my being gay down their throats. Yet the evil person i was seeing at the time and i never even sat next to each when the family was around. And what about the Christmas card i received from my cousin, Corria, telling me i was going to hell unless i changed and accepted Jesus in my life.
My mom has been out of my life since January 3, 2000 when i learned she was getting back together with her ex-husband (1972). A man who was abusive towards me and his son who sexually abused me. When she told him to move out in spring of 1972, he and his son loaded as much as they could before they left. i was so scared, i took my precious Scruffy to the neighbors, out of fear he would take her too. Even pictures and movies from my childhood with my dear grandma Alpha who died in 1968.
Jaye Salban was my partner from 1997 to 2001. He was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, one time beating me with my camera tripod. When i finally found the strength to hit him out on October 31, 2001, he began going around telling lies about me. i lost friends because he plays the victim so well. i have so much more to say about him, but i will leave at him just being an evil person.
i lost my SADDI, after 13.5 yeas, on August 9, 2009, my life has never been the same. Since that day, i have wanted to die. SADDI died of cancer because i was unable to do anything for her. A guilt i will never allow myself to forget, in life or death. SADDI did not deserve to suffer, yet she still loved me. SADDI, i am so sorry.
Devon arrived on December 28, 2006 and we were legally married on June 29, 2014. Devon deserves so much more. Because of my health, i have been a failed husband, sexually, emotionally. He gave up so much to come be with me and he hasn't received very much in return. Recently he has become a lot like his mother, in putting me down, which i accepted because i deserve it. So what if it hurts. Even many of his so-called friends, like Choi Yee, have been disrespectful to me, but Devon always defends them.
We heard from more distant friends on our wedding more then those who live close. i don't want them near, but Devon holds onto to them. i cried when Devon and i got married. Mainly because it meant so much to me, but also because only one person attended our wedding.
In 2014, i had a series of mini strokes and ever since my health has gotten worse. It's difficult for me to be the person i am no longer. i use to easily walk up stairs, these days i can barely lift my legs up one step. Just a year ago i was able to walk around, taking pictures. i'd be gone for hours, enjoying being part of nature. Now i can't walk without my knee's going weak, my balance shaky and completely unable to stand still long enough to take a picture that stays in focus. i am but a memory of who i was. Something i do not want to be.
If this is to be my final entry, so be it Just know i do love life, just not the life this has become.
what if ...
a question i have been asking myself a lot lately. With the passing's of Robin Williams and Taylor Negron, two beautiful kind amazing souls, and my own health situation, there is a lot of thought about this being all there is. Of course my hope is that i will be reunited with my precious Saisar SADDI Berrong, but who truly knows what happens when our time in this current body expires. Is this all there is? If that is true, if after we die there is nothing more, our time, limited or extended, is even more meaningful upon this earth. Today. Robin, Taylor and SADDI gave so much of themselves to others and never stood up and begged for anything in return. They just shared through love and goodness, making their lives so very powerfully true. None of us know how much time we have remaining, because there is no guarantee for tomorrow, so why waste it on a selfish meaningless agenda? There is more to this life then you. If you are so honored to wake up tomorrow, it will be today. And today is what matters. Make it matter. i have witnessed such cruel behavior in the name of people's chosen beliefs. And i have experienced love from my stunningly beautiful and ridiculously talented husband Devon Yan. i have not been so worthy of this grandest reward, i must do better. Be better. Today. #SameLove Personally, i do not want to exit this glorious earth and have anyone questioning how i felt about them. The saddest thing you can do is wait until someone is gone forever to share how you feel about them. What if, as likely as it is, they can't hear or feel you. While they, while you, are still here, be heard and felt. Don't wait for them, encourage and inspire them. In this often crazy world, love more, judge less. Share more, be selfish less.
Taylor Negron
... the last message i received from him ... to ric
You are an inspiration and a treasure …I hope that you continue to see light and brightness…Its been a very tough for me so I get much from you all- Love Tay
August 1, 1957 – January 10, 2015
reality January 7, 2015
i know i am going to die soon ... and i really don't care. Basically, my life ended on August 9, 2009 when SADDI was taken from me. Also, as my health continues to fail and my body changes, where i am not able to do the things i did before, i don't want to live in this warped body any longer. They effort it takes just to get up from the sofa proves i will never be as i once was. My joy of photography is over as i am unable to stand still long enough to take a picture. i also realize that the people in my life don't truly care if i live or die, they'll move. Just as my family did. As my depression takes over, i just accept the fact now that i have not made a difference in this life, as i had hoped, and i am too tired and weak to do so now. Any day, any moment, i will be dead. No longer a burden on those around me.
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i know it doesn't mean anything to anyone, but since just before the first of the year and each day since i have been battling my depression, but more intensely. i break down so easily, but mostly when i think of my SADDI. i should have treated her far better and spent much more time with her. i think of all the wasted time and pathetic humans i gave that time to ... and where are any of them today? i miss my SADDI so much. i see humans with their doggies and i am overwhelmed with jealousy. As my eyes begin to fill with tears, i can still see SADDI looking at me with so much love. i question today why i deserved such devotion.
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