.. For those who care, a quick update. i'm getting around the house a bit better with the use of my walker. i spend many hours on the sofa, but now and then i get myself to the bathroom (just feet away but it takes a few minutes to get there). At least once a day i go to the front door and stand there getting some fresh air. i should stay there longer to air myself out as i wont be able to shower for a month, at least. Washing up is a struggle as i need to keep one hand on the walker for balance. i had my first cast change on Wednesday, to not make a mess in the house it was cut off outside on the front porch. It's been over a week since i have been able to bend my knee, it felt weird and wonderful at the same time. The tech who came over seems pleased by the way it is healing and possibly next weeks cast changing will allow me to have a cast that will not go over my knee and i'll be able to get around easier. i had the tech repeat the follow so Devon could hear it, but he feels by the end of August that i'll a prosthetic and i'll be walking without the aide of my walker or cane. It seems like forever, but i see light at the end of this long three year tunnel. ... Devon has been, and always has been, amazing. Maybe i should have gone to the rehab, though i wouldn't have survived emotionally, Devon has taken on the overwhelming tasks of stupid silly daily things that we all take for granted, don't even think about doing, that right now i just can't. i wanted to make a special dinner for us last night, but i can't stay on my good foot very long, so Devon prepared a delicious meal for us. i'm truly blessed to love him and be loved by him. ... ... ... Right now the hardest part of all this is trying to stay positive as i watch from the sofa life passing by. i'm assured sooner rather than later that i will be back, it's the right now i am struggling with. My emotions are so fragile now, so much so that i am not sure i can watch the last Daily Show with Jon Stewart tonight without being flooded by tears. Maybe i should watch the republican debate for all the laughs it will create? i'd have to sanitized my house after watching Faux Opinion though. ... ... ... i'd like to send out a very special THANK YOU to the amazing nurses at Highline Medical Center (6th floor Birch) who took such good care of me for 12 days, Mike Ashland and Debby Gosik-Cargo and Namiko f or the very special gifts that i shall cherish always. Lastly, our neighbor Anne who is beyond kind all the time and will be checking up with me while Devon is away for a few days at a per-planned conference, he didn't want to go to in the first place, but especially now, but i assured him i will be fine. There are still good people in this world, i feel inspired and encouraged, after being betrayed so often by family and so-called friends. i've rambled on enough. Thank you for the messages, public and private.
August 6, 2015
Devon just left and honestly i am really scared about being home alone with my current condition. But this trip was planned several weeks ago and it is giving him a chance to go to Chicago (something i'm not able to do for him).
Stupid silly simple things i am unable to do for myself, like get a new tube of tooth paste from below the sink. i just hope i remembered everything i will be needing in the week he will be gone.
Devon has been wonderful in handling so many things around the house since i came back, normal things i would do without even thinking about, things that he would have taken for granted that i did. Last night i wanted to make a special dinner for us but i wasn't strong enough to stay standing on one foot, so Devon made it all with some guidance from me on the sofa. Devon makes noodles or warms up soup, his skills in the kitchen. But dinner turned out really good.
Devon didn't want to go on this trip from the beginning, but since he isn't working they kinda made him feel guilty that everyone else in the group works and he doesn't. (i wont have anything to do with the PrideAsia group as it seems more ego driven and less community). With my current situation, Devon was concerned about leaving me home alone. And honestly, i'm worried to, but i tried to assure him i will be fine.
As he walked out the door, i could hear SADDI crying and walking through the house as she did. Damn, i miss her so much.
Casting Off
i had my cast changed today, first time since the amputation. Admittedly i was nervous about how my leg is healing. The tech was impressed by how i was getting around.
We went out on the front porch so as not to make a mess in the house. It felt weird to be able to bend my knee after being casted for a week. In bending it, my knee jerked trying to bend. i had a feeling of wanting to rest my foot on ground, a foot that is no longer there.
The tech said "oh wow" as the cast came off, i didn't know what he meant until he finally said how good it looked. Relief. Everything is healing nicely, with just a small section still needing to fully come together. Next week i should be able to get the staples out and get a new cast that doesn't cover my knee ... if the healing continues in the positive direction it is going now.
The other thing the tech told me, that i also had him repeat to Devon, is by the of August i'll be walking without the aide of my walker or cane. i don't really remember the tech coming to my hospital room as i was still kinda out of from surgery and lack of sleep. So what he told me i was a little fuzzy about. i saw recovery taking about a year, but the reality is it will take less time. Quite a bit less. i just look forward to walking again and i am assured that will happen. It gave me a lot of confidence for the future.
August 5, 2015
Small victories.
i'm able to stand up from the sofa easier lately, but my upper body strength is certainly not where it should be. i'm also walking a bit better, i actually stepped out onto the porch and stood there for a short time getting some fresh air. It felt good to fill my lungs. Though just that short walk takes a lot out of me. i spend much of my day and night seated on the sofa. i rarely drink anything because i don't want to keep getting up to pee and all i have ate since coming home two days ago is a bowl of cereal that first night. Devon went out last night and i asked him to bring me home something, but i fell asleep before he got home and he just let me sleep.
i do feel bad having to ask so much of Devon and that created a bit of a fight today. He's concerned about having a husband with only one leg and the added pressures these past three years of my declining health have had on him. His friends (who don't know me) and his family, question why he is still with me. i can't begin to express how deeply this hurts me as he has had other friends who have said the same thing in the past. To hear it from Devon, i'm nothing more than a whiner with no friends beyond Facebook. Which in reality is true. Devon seems to make friends who are always able to pay for dinner, movies and take him to the lake for a few days. He's okay with that. i have been like that and don't enjoy people paying my way. He says we have nothing to talk about, but when i try to talk to him while he is watching a Chinese show on the computer, he always seems upset that i am bothering him. i love him so much and he is right, he is all i have. Hopefully when my leg heals and i am able to get around better, things between us will be better.
i'm able to stand up from the sofa easier lately, but my upper body strength is certainly not where it should be. i'm also walking a bit better, i actually stepped out onto the porch and stood there for a short time getting some fresh air. It felt good to fill my lungs. Though just that short walk takes a lot out of me. i spend much of my day and night seated on the sofa. i rarely drink anything because i don't want to keep getting up to pee and all i have ate since coming home two days ago is a bowl of cereal that first night. Devon went out last night and i asked him to bring me home something, but i fell asleep before he got home and he just let me sleep.
i do feel bad having to ask so much of Devon and that created a bit of a fight today. He's concerned about having a husband with only one leg and the added pressures these past three years of my declining health have had on him. His friends (who don't know me) and his family, question why he is still with me. i can't begin to express how deeply this hurts me as he has had other friends who have said the same thing in the past. To hear it from Devon, i'm nothing more than a whiner with no friends beyond Facebook. Which in reality is true. Devon seems to make friends who are always able to pay for dinner, movies and take him to the lake for a few days. He's okay with that. i have been like that and don't enjoy people paying my way. He says we have nothing to talk about, but when i try to talk to him while he is watching a Chinese show on the computer, he always seems upset that i am bothering him. i love him so much and he is right, he is all i have. Hopefully when my leg heals and i am able to get around better, things between us will be better.
H O M E
i came home on August 3, 2015 after 12 days in the hospital. All the days blended together, i don't have much of a memory of my time there.
Coming home was of some concern, especially getting up the 4 steps to the house. But our dear neighbor Anne picked me up, i took up the entire back seat as i am unable to bend my leg due to the cast. After 12 days laying in a hospital bed, the fresh air i was looking forward to wasn't there as the air is filled with smoke from distant fires but it was so nice to be freed.
Upon arriving home and sliding out of Anne's car, i started to get nervous about going up those four steps with basically only one leg. Instead of thinking about, i just handed Devon my walker and took that first step and then the next and soon i was standing at the top with the aide of my walker.
The first thing i did inside the house was come over and give SADDI's ashes a kiss and thanked her for being with me in the hospital. i miss her so much, but our memories and my love for her find a way of bringing me peace and a smile through the tears.
i had to ask Devon for a few things and i know i was getting on his nerves. So i just tired to go to sleep so as not to bother him further. But in the middle of the night i needed to go to the bathroom and it worried me. Getting up from the toilet was something i never thought of before, but i struggled to lift myself.
In a couple of days Devon is leaving for about a week for a conference in Chicago with the Pride Asia group he belongs to, this was arranged many weeks ago. He doesn't want to go, especially now. But he needs to go, as i don't want to hold him back because of what i am going through. i'm scared of being left home alone for that time, but i can't go anywhere or do anything anyway.
My depression isn't any better, as i am crying often. But it's not about being home, it's not about part of my leg missing ... it's about not being the ric i once was. i wonder if i will be again. Everyone in the hospital assures me i will be normal again, but right now it is so difficult to see beyond this moment i am living.
August 1, 2015
Well, i have been in the hospital since July 23, though all the days and nights have blended together. Devon has visited once, but had a time limit so he could meet his friends to go to the movies. This weekend he derided to go to the lake with his friends while i lay in the hospital bed alone. He seems more concerned about how this will effect him emotionally then what it is doing to me physically and emotionally.
i'm getting to the bathroom on my own, but it is a struggle and exhausting. The first few days days after the amputation i was having seriously painful phantom pains in my fake foot. It felt like i was walking on glass or sharp knifes. i'd lay in bed crying while pushing the button to give me pain relief. (It barely helped)
i lay in my hospital bed all day and night, barely able to sleep because nurses are always coming into my room to check my vitals. One night i was given a sleeping pill at 1:30am but was awakened at 4:30am.
i'm expected to go home in a couple of days, but i don't know what to expect. It is so difficult getting out of my hospital bed just to pee, i don't know how i am going to get up the three steps to get into the house.
They keep telling me things are going to get better and i'll be getting around almost as normally as i once did. It's hard to believe right now.
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