Saisar SADDI Berrong
SADDI was never a digger. Being a lady she didn't want to get her paws dirty. If we came to a puddle, during our walk, she would jump over it.
On time at the beautiful Pacific City, along the Oregon coast, we were just sitting next to one another enjoying the warm sea breeze, when suddenly SADDI just started digging like crazy in the sand. She's stop and look at me with her beautiful smile, then start digging again. So i joined in and we dug a small hole on the beach.
There was no reason behind it, just being my precious silly SADDI.
Just a Guy with a Camera
i am not an artist. Just a guy with a camera who appreciates and loves life and wants to capture it. Share it. i have an issue with people who use photo shop to alter their image, because they are altering life. The are altering the beauty of a flawed human face. When i take a picture, it's with the idea of sharing. Not for praise or acknowledgment, but because life has given us something so glorious in beauty, i hope others will stop and take a moment to cherish it.
Seeking Hope
As i struggle with the deaths of two special fur friends this week, and memories of others (extremely special to me) who have crossed over, my mind has been in an endless loop of thoughts, emotions and memories. So much so, it is affecting my sleep (i've been up at 2:30am for the past couple of days). i'm still dealing with my own health and numerous setbacks and the guilt i feel being unable to find a job, to provide for my husband and the mountain of medical debt just waiting to tumble down upon me.
Desperately i try to remain positive, for myself and others around me, but everyday it becomes more difficult. TV once a distraction, has only been an added stress. When i escape into YouTube video's from the past, i am remained of the life i should have lived. Instead of the fears i allowed to blanket me.
At this very difficult time in my life, i am thankful that it has arrived as spring enters the calendar. The season of new beginnings. The season of hope. The season to come alive again. And though my hope is faded. There is a sense of inspiration that things will change, become better, will somehow change to the positive direction i seek.
A simple sprout in a planter helps me to remember, that after being buried under the soil, something beautiful can find it's way out and come alive again.
Good Bye Jake
As if today weren't emotional enough, i just learned from our mail carrier, Marty, that Jake ... a 15 year old doggie who walked past the house a couple of times a day, with his humans ... has crossed over to the rainbow bridge.
Jake walked slowly, unless he saw Marty, who he knew always had treats for him. And if he saw me sitting on the porch, he had some extra energy to cross the street to see if i had treats for him too. Though difficult for him, he always tried to climb the steps to reach me, but i handed the treats to his humans, his tail started waging and he wouldn't continue the walk until he received a treat. It always made me smile to see Jake's humans walking him, the colder days, Jake moved a little slower, and humans were so patient.
i know it's the circle of life, i just don't handle it very well. i'm really going to miss that silly doggie walking past the house everyday and how he always got a burst of energy if he knew treats were available. Rest in glorious peace Jake.
Good Bye Squirrel Friend
Although i look forward to my own, i do not handle death very well.
This morning, while cleaning the house, i opened the front windows, to wash them, and the noise scared one of my new squirrel friends to where they ran out into the street and were hit by a car. The squirrel now lays dead in front of our house. i instantly began crying and saying how sorry i am. i blame myself for this little ones death. Just minutes before, this shy squirrel refused to come down from the tree to eat while i was there, but while i was sitting in my wheelchair, half inside half outside at the front door, my little friend came down and got some treats. But quickly ran off. i saw it as a sign that there was a trust building.
The positive feeling i have been having of new life with spring is tainted now.
Good bye little friend. i am truly so very sorry.
Good Bye Winter
Good-bye winter ... i will not miss you or have many fond memories of you. i look forward to mornings where i can feel my fingers and i'm not wearing layers of clothes. Longer days of natural light and natures warmth. The glorious beauty of a fresh snow is nice, but after it lingers for days and happens again and again,it takes away the pure sense and just becomes annoying. Winters past hold meaning for me, when SADDI became a completely different doggie at her first meeting of snow. When Devon arrived from China in December of 2006. But now your time has come to be gone. Allow the plants, that were hiding in the soil, to make their way out and grace us with a burst of color and a sense of hope. Hope ... which we need so very much right now.
The picture is of the house, during a snow fall, i lived for 25 years, my youth and early adulthood. The memories have faded because of the regrets that began here. But this is where i brought SADDI back to begin our life together. We had special neighbors who were always entertaining.
So now spring 2017 awaits to make a grand entrance.
My View
My view
For too many months, my view has been limited. Leaving the house is always a struggle, so i do whatever i can to find and cherish what is just right outside my door. My friendships are basically limited to squirrels, hummingbirds and any other visitors from nature. And i embrace that. If a time finally comes where i able better able to explore life, once again, i wont forget the simple pleasures that have blessed me just outside my door. Inside my door, i cherish just having my husband Devon Yan ignoring me while he listens to his music playing his silly computer games, but only a few inches away from me. i have my precious memories and photo's of my most incredible and beautiful SADDI, where i find myself visiting often. When the view outside my door changes, as it will with the season changing, the feeling of hope springs forward within my soul. It begins with a simple flower or two, but color that hasn't been experienced for several months. The view within my mind grows as i listen and learn from others, especially those with whom i may not agree with, but giving them the respect they deserve to express themselves, gives me to the strength to bloom. My view can change, if i allow myself to change and grow from the experiences and wonders around me. My roots are not firmly planted into the ground, i am free to feel, love, share, give, teach, learn and be.
S P R I N G
The energy of blue skies,
after weeks of cold damp dark months,
just has an amazing affect
upon the inner workings of the mind.
As i waited for our mail carrier,
sitting on the front porch,
feeling the late winter sunshine on my face,
witnessing the burst of new life popping out from the ground, the birds singing a different tone
and the squirrels dancing in the trees,
the feeling of hope was wonderfully overwhelming.
Today i felt alive.
Today i felt happy to be alive.
S A D D I
i guess because i am a Gemini, i like change. SADDI and i lived in a small one bedroom apartment for 9 years, so i was limited on what i could do, but it didn't stop me from rearranging the front room all the time.
SADDI would lay in bed, still able to see me, watching me struggle to make things different but livable. When i was finally done, SADDI would come out, stand at the doorway between the bedroom and living room, look at me and then give a heavy sigh. She'd turn around and get back onto the bed.
So i would go chase her, tossing the blanket over her and watch her fight to get out ... when she did, she was smiling and wanted to play more. So we did. Maybe a walk to the park to play in the tennis court, or up to the college to watch the students and look for squirrels or just stay home playing tug-a-war with the sockie and then cuddle.
Our life together is something i look back upon very often when i need a smile to replace the tears. Though they usually go together.
i miss my sweet goofy little girl so much.
There Will Be
Gathering my thoughts for the next wave of overwhelming emotions. Collecting my weakened strength to be able to balance myself so as not to fall again. There is hope, but it is faded. There are tears, there will always be tears. There are memories, they will be cherished and celebrated for what they gave me. There will be regrets, lessons learned to share with others so they hopefully wont make their own. There will be inspirations and i must continue to be a guardian of the light to lead a positive path for others. There will be beauty and i must ensure i try to capture it for others to experience it. Not as i see it, but for their own heart to believe it. There will be tomorrow, i may or may not be a part of it, but hopefully i have made enough of an impact to still be remembered in it.
SAISARunlimited
March 7, 2017
March 7, 2017
Saisar SADDI Berrong
May 10, 1996, a warm day, we went to a house in outer northeast Portland, where they were giving away chow/lab puppies. i had been only thinking about welcoming another dog into my life. When we arrived, two 10 week old puppies came running out of the house, rolling around in the dry dirt, crashing into tree's and chasing one another. Just as the screen door to the house was about to close, a small black ball of fur, looking like a tiny bear cub, came out, slowly making it down the steps and crossing the yard. The other puppies still running around, but this one puppy came over and sat on my foot. Putting her head on my leg, looking up at me. They said "pick her up", but i really didn't know if i was ready. But i picked her up, and she rested her head against my neck. At that moment i realize, i had been picked and i could not say no.
In our last months together, i had to spend a week away in the hospital. At that time, we lived across the street from the hospital. So when i was released, the volunteer took me to the exit, where i said i was waiting for a ride. i lied so he would leave and i just walked the couple of blocks home. i was really weak, but i needed to see my SADDI and i knew she needed to see me. When i got to the house, she was sitting by the glass door waiting for me. Tail wagging wildly. She began barking at me, as she always did whenever i came home. Even if i just left to get the mail. i got into the house, gave her a huge long hug, let her go outside and then i needed to lay down before i passed out. As always, SADDI laid against me, so tightly i couldn't move. Just feeling her next to me, i felt safe again.
In the moment before SADDI died, she lifted her paw, she was so weak, and placed it on my hand. As if to comfort me again. i kissed her ear as i whispered how much i love her. And then she was gone.
i don't know how much time i have on this earth, but i am devoted to honoring SADDI and ensuring that our love story is shared. All the praise and acknowledgments need to be given to SADDI. This little silly black bundle of fur taught me how to be a better human, showed me the meaning of love and devotion and inspires me to do for others.
S A D D I
May 10, 1996, a warm day, we went to a house in outer northeast Portland, where they were giving away chow/lab puppies. i had been only thinking about welcoming another dog into my life. When we arrived, two 10 week old puppies came running out of the house, rolling around in the dry dirt, crashing into tree's and chasing one another. Just as the screen door to the house was about to close, a small black ball of fur, looking like a tiny bear cub, came out, slowly making it down the steps and crossing the yard. The other puppies still running around, but this one puppy came over and sat on my foot. Putting her head on my leg, looking up at me. They said "pick her up", but i really didn't know if i was ready. But i picked her up, and she rested her head against my neck. At that moment i realize, i had been picked and i could not say no.
What i didn't realize that day, but it soon became very clear, i was also rescued that day.
The next 13.5 years were filled with ups and downs, but we always had one another. During the 4 year abusive relationship i was in, SADDI was scared and confused. She'd often would hide in the kitchen. Even though i was still bleeding after being attacked, i knew i had to comfort SADDI. And comforting her gave me the comfort and love that i needed as well.
When i was laid off from a job i really liked, i went home just feeling numb. SADDI was there to greet me. We went for a long walk on that beautiful early spring day. When SADDI started acting silly and wanted to play with a dirty stick, i realized that everything was going to be alright. i didn't need to stress and i should cherish the simple things in life.
When i went into the hospital for a week, forced to leave SADDI at home, alone, after we had just moved a couple of days before, only having a so-called friend coming over in the morning and evening for SADDI. When the friend visited me in the hospital, she brought SADDI. i had looked forward to this reunion all day. The wheelchair didn't fit me and the machine pumping medicine into me kept beeping, i didn't care, i just needed to see my SADDI. SADDI could see me being wheeled towards the door and her curly tail began waging like crazy. She jumped up on me. i received kisses. We went to a different area of the hospital, and i held SADDI leash as i was being wheeled. SADDI kept looking back at me with that beautiful smile of hers. While the friends talked, SADDI and i just held one another, her head resting against mine. After the short visit, i promised SADDI that i would be home in a couple of days, a few kisses and i was wheeled back into the hospital. SADDI cried out, loudly. i just couldn't look back and cried the whole night in my hospital bed, while smelling SADDI's scent in my hands. When i came home, SADDI never let me out of her sight. If i got up to go to the bathroom, she followed me and stood there watching me. Sitting on the sofa, she was always cuddled against me.
We mostly lived a lonely life together, long walks, silly playing and i would talk to SADDI, and it always seemed as if she understood. If i complained too much, SADDI would lift her paw and rest it on my head.
In our last months together, i had to spend a week away in the hospital. At that time, we lived across the street from the hospital. So when i was released, the volunteer took me to the exit, where i said i was waiting for a ride. i lied so he would leave and i just walked the couple of blocks home. i was really weak, but i needed to see my SADDI and i knew she needed to see me. When i got to the house, she was sitting by the glass door waiting for me. Tail wagging wildly. She began barking at me, as she always did whenever i came home. Even if i just left to get the mail. i got into the house, gave her a huge long hug, let her go outside and then i needed to lay down before i passed out. As always, SADDI laid against me, so tightly i couldn't move. Just feeling her next to me, i felt safe again.
In the moment before SADDI died, she lifted her paw, she was so weak, and placed it on my hand. As if to comfort me again. i kissed her ear as i whispered how much i love her. And then she was gone.
i knew that my life would never feel the same and i also knew i had to do whatever possible to honor SADDI. Not for myself, but for the love and devotion she gave. That she taught me. So i started the SAISAR unlimited foundation (Saisar SADDI Berrong is her full name). The foundation provides treats, food, blankets and needed supplies for dogs living on the street with their humans. Often you'll give a homeless human some spare change and you might get a simple thank you. But when i have given treats for their dogs, i have actually had humans get up and hug me. When i worked in a homeless youth shelter, some of the youth had dogs, and they shared with me that their parents had rejected them, kicking them out of the house. Their dog was not only their friend, but their family as well. i understood, because after my own family had disowned me, i only had SADDI and i held her so close.
i don't know how much time i have on this earth, but i am devoted to honoring SADDI and ensuring that our love story is shared. All the praise and acknowledgments need to be given to SADDI. This little silly black bundle of fur taught me how to be a better human, showed me the meaning of love and devotion and inspires me to do for others.
Thank you SADDI.
S A D D I
SADDI with her special paw blanket,
relaxing in the front room,
so she can keep her eyes on Devon and rici
Dan Lusko
In my 54.5 years upon this earth, i have numerous regrets. Far too many to mention. One of the biggest, was being untrue to who i truly am. Living two separate, completely different lives. Both of which were lies.
From high school until only recently, i wanted to be liked and acknowledged. So i hung around with one crowd, while secretly being with another. i was immature and cruel to someone i admired, and loved, because he was brave to be himself. And i wasn't. Dan Lusko was the first person i knew who was openly gay. While we embraced one another outside of school, in school i was distant from him. After high school, we drifted apart, but somehow i was able to find him and we shared some very beautiful letters. But then he learned he was HIV+ in the early 1980's and he became rightfully bitter. i don't know when he died, i have always felt so guilty that he died alone.
In our shared letters, i did apologize to Dan for my behavior, but it wasn't enough. Looking back, had i embraced his truth to realize my own, i would not have lived the sheltered life i did. And when i think of Dan, beyond his beauty, was a strong powerful soul who was so alone and didn't deserve that.
In the years that followed, i would gave myself to a job that had no future, but i worked hard and long hours. i did so because i didn't think i could accept my truth. Growing up in a very judgmental family, i was scared. And my fears became true when my family turned against me when i did find the courage to accept my true self. As the years have passed, i am truly happier without them in my life. Without their judgments.
But i still had so much grown ahead of me. i began working for Cascade AIDS Project as a volunteer in office and at a bath house. My devotion to the job was appreciated and i was hired a full-time employee within a couple of months. But i didn't have the education for the position, so someone else was hired to replace me (he lasted two months). i volunteered at an AIDS hospice, but it was so difficult emotionally for me that i only stayed a year. How stupid, it was hard on me, when people were dying, many alone.
Everything in my life i had given up so easily, because it was hard. Never fighting for my dreams and desires.
Now, with my time limited on this earth, i finally see where i need to be. Where my energy should have been focused long ago.
i applaud the young LGBT people i see today for having the courage to embrace their truth. i cheer the people who fought while i was hiding. Cleve Jones, Harvey Milk, the lesbians who were the first to volunteer at the hospices, the drag queens who stood up to the police at the Stonewall Inn, the many who have fought, were beaten and even murdered while i was hiding.
i am NOT hiding any longer nor will i ever again. i am a happily faithfully married queer man (thank you Devon Yan). i cannot tell Dan Lusko how truly sorry i am, or the other friends i was not truly a friend to, all i can do now is never allow myself to hide. And to always protect those who still feel they must hide. And i will embrace as many as i can for as long as i can in this celebration of life.
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